


Trolling the Press: Mistakes Have Been Made

by meh_guh



Category: Marvel
Genre: Accidental Engagement, Casual Sex, M/M, Pining, Threesome - M/M/M, Tony you're a troll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2017-11-14 19:26:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/518705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meh_guh/pseuds/meh_guh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony <i>knows</i> Cap doesn't like him. It's a pity, cuz the guy's smoking, but contrary to popular belief Tony <i>is</i> actually familiar with concepts like self-control and not-getting-what-you-want.<br/>Johnny Storm's a great option to work up a little sweat at the dull fundraiser Pepper insisted he go to, and it's heaps of fun up until Clint accidentally convinces the she-devil in reporter form that Johnny and Tony are engaged. And because both Tony and Johnny are morons who take 'challenge accepted' as a life philosophy, they go along with it.<br/>It's cool, though. It's funny enough to be entertaining, and Storm's hot enough that it's no hardship carrying on with him. Eventually the media will find another scandal, and in the meantime, Tony's got sex on tap.<br/>Storm's resemblance to Cap is absolutely a non-factor.  Has <i>no</i> bearing on anything. Nope.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Challange Accepted is a Terrible Life Philosophy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [silly-little-world.tumblr.com](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=silly-little-world.tumblr.com).



> comments, suggestions, corrections always welcome, either here, at my lj (meh_guh.livejournal.com) or my tumblr (meh-guh.tumblr.com)
> 
> EDIT: Now with spectacular art! http://miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirianna.tumblr.com/post/32444422633  
> Go check it out and let Mirianna know how fabulous she is!

The crudite were, Tony supposed, acceptable. He'd give the All New York Orphaned Dogs Fund, or whatever this function was for, that much.

They'd skimped on the Champagne, though. He sighed, swirling the disturbingly yellow substance around his glass as he watched Steve on the dance floor. Surprising to Steve and Steve alone, the good Captain was a smash hit with ladies of all ages. His dance card had been booked solid for the last two hours.

Tony considered going in to run interference to give the poor man a break, but 1) Super Soldier, and 2) he seemed genuinely interested in whatever each and every one of the society matrons and debutantes was saying. Old fashioned manners, Tony scoffed. They'd gone out of fashion for a reason.

'Yeah, never thought I'd be looking for an excuse to _leave_ a party until Sue roped me into the first one of these things.'

Tony swiveled, peering over his shades at Johnny Storm. He shot Tony a grin, waggling a toothpick between pearly teeth before leaning against the bar by Tony. A _lot_ closer than was strictly speaking necessary. _Well_ , then.

'I thought you were the original attention whore,' Tony let his fingers brush against Storm's tight abs as he turned to put his disappointing drink down on the bar. 'Don't tell me you've run out of celebutantes to woo.'

Storm's eyes went heavy lidded, and Tony grinned as he felt a hand sneak onto his arse. 'Well, with Captain Manners hogging all the attention, the rest of us mooks don't stand a chance, do we?'

Tony watched Steve dip a laughing, bejewelled woman who was probably twenty years too young for him if Tony wanted to be bitchy and work off birth-years, and turned his best grin back on Storm.

'I know for a fact that the coat check boy's been in the alley smoking pot for the past hour,' he leaned in, letting his lips catch on Storm's ear. 'Wanna go make time?'

****

The coat check room was small enough that two full grown men had to get a little creative to get anything done in there, but after a few false starts, Tony managed to work Storm's pants down far enough to get a good grip. A _spectacular_ grip when he slung his leg around Storm's waist and arched up into him.

'Oh yeah,' Storm groaned, sucking a mark into Tony's throat. 'Work it, you damn hussy.'

'I think neither of us has any room for calling _anyone_ easy,' Tony laughed, bringing his hand up to lick it before jerking Storm's cock with renewed fervour. 'And if you sass me, I'm making you suck me.'

'Like I wasn't going to anyway,' Storm scoffed, undulating against Tony in a really distracting manner before dropping to his knees and wrenching Tony's pants open. Tony was pretty sure some part of the fastening broke, but it was hardly going to be the first time he'd leave one of these things mussed and with his pants hanging open. He ran his hands over Storm's scalp, hair too short to get a grip in it, and urged him forward.

Storm sucked him down in one sweet move, humming around Tony's cock and slipping his fingers around Tony's sac to tease at his entrance.

'Oh yeah,' Tony leaned back against the wall, letting Storm knock his legs further apart and closing his eyes to revel in the feel. 'Damn, you're good. Come on, little harder-'

'Hey Stark, you asshole,' Clint shouted, slamming the door open and letting the light flood in. 'You ain't allowed to throw us to the... oh.'

Tony opened his eyes to see Clint, mouth open and eyes a little glazed as he stared. Behind him, the crowd had a clear line of sight, even better when Clint sort of sagged against the door. He felt Storm's mouth go slack as he turned, and then saw the flashclicks of a hundred Starkphones taking the same picture. _Traitorous little bastards_ , he thought.

If only Spider-man had been involved, Tony thought, J Jonah Jameson would've had a stroke from unadulterated glee and then there would have been an upside to the brewing mess.

'What the fuck, Stark?' someone demanded, and Tony thought it was Christine. Urgh, of _course_ it was Christine, and Pepper wasn't here to help run interference or to keep Tony from blurting out 'What? Don't you harsh on our epic love!'

He could feel Storm shaking with laughter under his hand, and just to prove that they are brothers from different mothers in the _worst_ way, Storm said 'Baby, I didn't want them to find out like this.'

Tony could see Thor's awesome grin in the background, so at least there's _one _person present who'll be on his side, but then his eyes slid a few feet over and there was Steve's shocked grimace for a moment before Steve turned and stormed out of the hall.__

__Great. The Star Spangled Old Timer has yet another reason to hate Tony. They've been working well in the field; Cap's even got a bit of a mouth on him, which delighted Tony no end to find out. But at home..._ _

__They've gotten into a brittle, polite “certainly, Captain, let me get out of your way” sort of relationship. Which is the best Tony could hope for; he knows they're from two vastly different worlds, and he sure as shit is not Howard, no matter how much Steve wishes he were._ _

__'How long has your... epic love with the Human Torch been going on?' Christine demanded, suddenly right in front of them and waving a Starkphone under Tony's face. She's almost stepping on Storm in her ~exclusive story~ haze, and Tony almost laughed when Clint grabbed her by both arms and actually lifted her away from them._ _

__'How about we let them get decent before you do the whole “ha ha, this story will get me ALL the prizes” interrogation thing?' he said, shooting an apologetic glance at Tony before slamming the door._ _

__'Well,' Tony said, then stopped. He's no stranger to public embarrassment, and neither is Storm, but they've both been good boys since they got in on the hero gig._ _

__'Oh _sugar_ ,' Storm fluttered his lashes, hands moving from Tony's legs to clasp under his own jaw. 'Does this mean we're _engaged_?'_ _

__'Holy shit!' Clint yelled from outside the door and Tony dropped his head back against the wall in defeat. ' _Engaged_?! Uh, I mean...'_ _

__Storm bit his lip, looking ashamed for three point five seconds before leaning forward to muffle his hysterical laugh in Tony's thigh._ _

__****_ _

__Tony took Storm back to Avengers Tower, since the Baxter Building wasn't as well set up for keeping the baying hordes out, and, well. Sex._ _

__Lots and lots of sex, if Tony has anything to say about it, and Storm didn't look like he had any objections._ _

__Storm screamed with laughter when the first round of reporters bounced off the forcefield around the underground parking entrance, kneeling up on his seat to point at them and send gouts of yellow flames toward the forcefield. They hit the second barrier, ten feet after the initial outside one, and licked up towards the ceiling without damaging anything._ _

__'Impermeable to anything unless you're in a registered vehicle or your DNA's on the access list,' Tony told him smugly. It'd been in place for two months, but this is the first live test of it against the paparazzi. Or a flame-thrower, and he's cheering a little inside at how well it's worked._ _

__'Wow me with your science,' Storm grinned, doubling over at the faces of the Fox News crew right outside the barrier. 'God, I love making them make that face.'_ _

__'You and every right-thinking person,' Tony said, shutting off the engine and crawling across the console to pin Storm against the door. 'We giving them another show?'_ _

__****_ _

__When they made it upstairs, already-torn clothes absolutely ruined now, the Avengers were gathered in the living room looking uncomfortable. Clint was on top of the stereo again, hunched over and fielding what seemed to be regular filthy looks from both Bruce and Natasha. God, Tony hoped this wasn't some sort of intervention. That would _suck balls_._ _

__'So...' Tony started, avoiding Steve's eyes which was super easy with Steve glaring at his own feet. 'I guess-'_ _

__'Are you actually engaged?' Natasha asked, face blank._ _

__'Is not this cause for celebration, brothers?' Thor strode over, slinging an arm around Tony's shoulders and dragging Storm into a hug. 'What manner of traditions do you follow on Midgard for handfasting? Is there time for me to send to Volstagg for mead?'_ _

__'If there's Asgardian mead on offer, Stark,' Storm said once he'd managed to wiggle his head around so his face wasn't mushed against Thor's chest. 'I am _so_ down with actually getting hitched to you. No lie.'_ _

__Natasha's eyes narrowed and she threw a pen at Clint's face without looking. 'You _twit_ , Barton. What did you shout that for? And in front of Everhart of all people?'_ _

__'Ow!' Clint rubbed at his cheek, apparently too scared of retaliation to block or dodge Natasha's attack. 'It's not _my_ fault-'_ _

__'No,' Tony took pity on Clint. 'We're not engaged. It was... a misunderstanding.'_ _

__Before anyone could point out that the misunderstanding was a hundred and fifty per cent their own fault, JARVIS piped up._ _

__'Sir, I have Miss Potts on the line.'_ _

__'Aw, _shit_ ,' Tony slumped against Thor. 'Scale of one to Palladium Incident, how pissed off is she?'_ _

__'Her vocal tension registered equal to the aftermath of your encounter with Vice President Cheney and the otters, sir.'_ _

__'Fuck,' Tony said, as Storm snorted 'I remember that. It was _awesome_!'_ _

__'I'll just...' Tony ducks away from Thor, making vague gestures with his hands as he backed towards the doorway. 'Play nice, OK?'_ _

__He went down a floor, chose the third guest room along and let JARVIS put Pepper through. 'Hey Pep! Enjoying Paris-?'_ _

__'Shut up, Tony,' Pepper sighed, and Tony could picture her pinching the bridge of her nose. 'First off: did you actually get engaged to Johnny 'the Cartoon Frat Bro' Storm? If so _why_?'_ _

__'Don't worry, Pep,' Tony slung himself down onto the bed, folding his hands behind his head. 'You'll totally be best man. I was planning on having you and Rhodey duke it out, but let's face it: you'll flatten him. He can be head flower girl-'_ _

__'OK, then,' Pepper took a deep breath. 'Why in the name of god and little fishes did you tell Christine Everhart that you were engaged?!'_ _

__'It seemed like a good idea at the time?' Tony hazarded, but yeah. That doesn't fly. 'We kinda got caught by Hawkeye and then there were pictures and questions and these things happen. Oops? My bad?'_ _

__Pepper muttered something under her breath, then sighed again. 'OK. I suppose the damage isn't irreparable. Just... I'm going to send you a media consultant tomorrow.'_ _

__'Aww, _Pepper_ ,' Tony groaned. 'You know I hate those monkeys. Can't I just wait it out? They'll get bored eventually.'_ _

__'Of two male superhero playboys getting married?' Pepper scoffed. 'If you don't let my consultant handle it, I'm giving the whole thing to Coulson.'_ _

__Which _might_ actually be pretty cool, Tony thought, but he can't let Pepper know that. He heaved himself back upright, rolling his eyes. 'Fine. But I can't vouch for Storm going along with this.'_ _

__'His sister can,' Pepper said, a note of grim pleasure in her voice, and she hung up._ _

__'That seemed to go better than expected,' JARVIS said. 'Now if you would like to return to the common areas, I believe it would be prudent to remove Mr Storm from the Captain's presence.'_ _

__Tony scowled. Just because Steve's got issues with where Tony likes to stick it, and what business is it of his anyway?_ _

__'Right,' Tony climbed the stairs three at a time, not even pausing in the doorway before he grabbed Storm by the elbow and dragged him up to the penthouse. He caught a brief flash of Cap's face looking tight, but so what?_ _

__'Oh yes?' Storm grinned as Tony toppled him to the bed. 'This you asking me to move in?'_ _

__Tony tore Storm's shirt open again, utterly ruining the two remaining buttons as he crushed their mouths together._ _

__He's not going to warn Storm about Pepper setting his sister on him. That's something which deserves to be witnessed without spoilers in Tony's expert opinion._ _

__'Don't want to wait until it's official, pumpkin?' Tony laughed against Storm's throat, dragging his teeth down a tendon. 'Well, if you insist-'_ _

__'It's already facebook official,' Storm flipped Tony onto his back, sitting up to get rid of his remaining clothes. 'Changed it on my phone while Captain Broodyface was glaring at me.'_ _

__'Oh god,' Tony groaned, hitching his hips up to let Storm pull his pants down. 'Pepper's going to _kill_ me.'_ _

__'Better get your money's worth before then, huh?' Storm grinned down at him, and Tony decided that he was pretty OK with this whole mess. For tonight, at least._ _


	2. Mind Control Gay Ray to Blame? Details at 8

Tony roused to the sounds and vibration of Storm's hysterical laughter shaking the bed.

'What is it?' he rolled over, blinking at Storm. 'We go viral already?'

Storm held his phone out, his facebook showing the 'changed status: engaged to Tony Stark', and-

'Huh,' Tony grabbed the phone and squinted at the screen. '1,567,789 likes, 501,989 comments. That's quick.'

'What can I say?' Storm hooked a leg over Tony. 'We've got swag.'

Tony scrolled through a few comments. 'Hmm... JARVIS?'

'Yes, sir?' JARVIS projected the comments section on the picture window, because he is   
Tony's AI and is brilliant.

'Can you track down all the little twits who posted homophobic hater shit through their _actual_ names and, oh, I don't know. Wipe their porn stashes from their hard drives?'

'Nah, man,' Storm tooks his phone back and tossed it onto the floor. 'Post the most twisted shit to their profiles. Then email it to their mothers.'

'Certainly, sirs,' JARVIS said with a simulated grin in his voice, because he is _Tony's_ AI. 'It would be my pleasure.'

Tony flopped back onto the mattress, folding his hands behind his head and staring up at the ceiling. 'Pepper said she'd send a media consultant round.'

'Urgh,' Storm rolled over to pin Tony to the bed. 'Fucking _media_ consultants. Like we can't be trusted in front of the cameras.'

Tony grinned, hooking a knee around Storm's hips. 'Well we _did_ accidentally get engaged. She might have a point on this one.'

Storm shrugged, wrapping one hot hand around his and Tony's erections and giving the tiniest possible thrust of his hips. 'Not on my top ten biggest gaffes. Not on _your_ top fifty.'

'Hey, I resemble that remark,' Tony pouted, angling his head up for a kiss. 'And I've been around longer, kid. Give you five years and I think you'll outstrip my title of Most Likely to be Photographed in a Compromising Position-'

'Been there, done that,' Storm sing-songed between pecks, letting go long enough to get a handful of lube before really working their cocks. His hand was feverish hot, and Tony made an idle note to run a few scans; see if Storm just runs hot all the time now. 'Ooh, you think we can get on Ellen? Saw that thing with her teaching Brittany Gangnam. We could do that.'

'Mr Storm,' JARVIS butted in just as Storm'd started tightening his hand in a _really_ good way. 'I have Mrs Richards on the line. She is quite insistent upon speaking with you.'

'Aww shit,' Storm groaned, hand speeding up. 'So close...'

Tony grabbed Storm by the hips, bit down on his shoulder and thrust wildly for the ten seconds it tok for them to come, almost together. He groaned and went boneless under Storm.

'Johnny?' Sue's voice blared out from the speaker. 'Why the hell did I go outside for coffee and find sixty cameramen on the stoop?'

'Hey, Sue,' Storm said, face buried in Tony's neck. 'Funny story-'

'Yes, I've spoken to Pepper Potts,' Sue said, voice sugary sweet in the way even Tony knows promises hellfire and torture for everyone in Sue's range. 'Thank you for giving me the heads-up so I didn't have to find out about your apparent en- _gay_ -gement from a charming young man from the Daily Bugle, and to _Tony Stark_ , of all people?!'

'Hey, Sue,' Tony said, poking at Storm's hip so the lump would roll his 200 pounds of muscle to one side and let Tony's lungs expand again. 'You missed a great party.'

There was an appalled silence, then 'Are you both naked?'

'Well, duh,' Storm rolled his eyes. 'We're in bed, aren't we?'

Sue made an enraged noise, and the call ended. Tony tried really hard to think what else nightmarish can happen in the next hour or so, but he gave up when the list reached triple digits.

'Well, I don't know about you,' he rolled off the bed and headed for the en suite. 'But I need some coffee. Joining me in the shower?'

'Depends,' Storm got an elbow under himself and propped his chin on his hand. 'How decadent is it?'

Tony folded his arms and leant against the door frame. 'The two biggest playboys in New York, a special bathroom originally designed by one of them during his somewhat-perverted college days, and technically illegal water pressure. I think you might enjoy it.'

'Well, when you put it like _that_ ,' Storm raced forward, shoving Tony playfully out of the way.

****

It was almost ten by the time they made it out into the shared kitchen, Tony shooting for the coffee maker like he was attached by bungee cord. He drained the first cup in three extended swallows, thirty years' practice having burned away his ability to flinch at the heat, then poured a second and buried his face in it.

'Terrible host,' Storm tutted, slipping his arm around Tony's waist to grab the pot and pour his own cup. 'What _will_ the papers say when I give them my tearful exposé of your callous disregard for my comfort?'

Tony leaned back into Storm, grinning as he caressed Tony's bare stomach, neither of them having bothered with more than boxers.

There was a choked sound from the breakfast bar, and Tony twisted to see Steve blushing into his Cheerios. He was doing the studious-study-of-anything-except-Tony again, and Tony sighed. Stepped away from Storm with an apologetic look.

'Hey, Steve,' Tony sais, refilling his coffee again since Pepper wasn't there to give him grief and Steve was too deep in his discomfort to notice. 'Didn't see you there.'

Steve glanced up, face a shade that actually has Tony a little worried for him. 'I'd sort of guessed.'

Storm snorted, hand sliding back onto Tony's hip and his thumb making little circles. 'Morning Cap. Sleep well?'

Steve's eyes flicked down to the motion, then he turned his whole head to stare at the wall. 'Very well, thank you Johnny. And yourself?'

Tony was torn between offence and laughter. Steve was so _obviously_ uncomfortable with the two of them (and it _has_ to be the gay thing, because Steve had only pinked a little before smiling when Hank and Jan had come out of the same room wrapped around each other), but he's also trying really hard to be non-judgemental. He really is a good guy, revoltingly so sometimes, so Tony decided to take pity instead of poking at him like he would do with anyone else.

'We'd better go get dressed,' he said, nudging Storm with an elbow. 'That media consultant should be here soon.'

'Oh!' Steve looked back at Tony. 'Do you want me to clear out?'

Tony flap[ed a hand as he headed for the door, shooing Storm in front of him. 'It's your home too, Steve. And we'll probably all have to touch base with them eventually. God damn press vultures.,' he turned as he stepped through the door. 'Stay if you want to, but if you don't that's fine.'

Steve murmured something Tony didn't even try to understand, and Tony went to get presentable.

****

Steve had vanished by the time they got back to the kitchen, Storm in a mostly-fitting suit Tony had found in his closet. Tony wasn't entirely sure where it came from; it wasn't one of _his_ , certainly, and usually the people he picks up take their clothes home with them. He' wasn't sure how an _entire_ suit managed to stay, but maybe whoever donated it souvenired one of Tony's band shirts and a pair of sweats, or something. He quite liked the idea of someone wanting a keepsake of their night with him.

Steve was gone, but Coulson was standing by the window, chatting to a brunette in converse sneakers and glossy red lipstick.

'You'd be Pepper's press-herding harpy?' Tony slung himself into a chair ten feet from Coulson and his ever-present taser. Storm dropped into the next one over. 'Wow me with your genius.'

'Since you two geniuses managed to get accidentally engaged after your first time,' the brunette arched an eyebrow. 'I think I'll stick to my regular-people smarts. Darcy Lewis.'

She flicked her hair over her shoulder and smirked. Tony decided he liked her. He flicked a glance at Coulson, who had his pained expression on, and that sealed the deal.

'I'm just going to assume you know _our_ names,' Tony grinned back at her, tilting his chair back onto two legs and folding his hands behind his head. 'I...wait,' he frowned, letting the chair drop back to ground. 'The same Darcy Lewis who tased Thor?'

Her smirk widened into a ful-on grin, eyes sparkling behind her hipster glasses, and Tony shot a betrayed glance at Coulson.

'I thought you were reserving the pleasure of tasing me for yourself?' he ignored Storm's snort. 'And aren't you _twelve_?'

Darcy blinked at him. 'First of all, I am the boss of social media, and secondly shall we recount what sorts of things _you_ were doing age twelve? Or even twenty-four, which is my actual age, bee tee dubs,' she slung up air quotes, then put a hand on her hip and shot Tony a challenging look.

Tony couldn't help the bark of laughter, and it seemed neither could Storm. They leaned together, shaking and crying, and it took about five minutes to get their breath back.

'Well,' Coulson said when they'd calmed down. 'This is going to be an unmitigated disaster.'

Which just set Tony off again.

****

So it turned out Darcy was absolutely down with Storm's Ellen plan, and even floated the idea of extending the trolling just for shits and giggles, which Coulson came down on like the fist of an angry god. Tony broke out the good Scotch for her, doubly impressed at her drinking skills when she tossed it back like a champion and carried on without a single splutter.

'...and don't think I'll hesitate to tase you too if you deviate from my script,' she finished, shooting Tony a glare. 'Like the rest of the damn world I saw that press conference, and we can do without you going off book over this _again_.'

Tony rolled his eyes, but agreed. Darcy narrowed her eyes at him for a minute, then nodded and stood up.

'All right,' she left her glass on the breakfast bar. 'I'll go put some lines down, ring a few of the yapping dogs; we'll do this thing at three? You capable of dressing yourselves, or do I need to get a stylist in here too?'

Tony scoffed at her, but Storm actually put his hand up. 'I may need to go back to the Baxter Building.'

'Oh no,' Darcy pointed at him. 'You are not doing the walk of shame before my Fix Everything conference. Get your invisible sister to do a drop off.'

'I was planning on flying,' Storm smirked at her. 'People can't tell I'm naked when I flame.'

Darcy looked intrigued for a moment, then shook her head. 'Oh no. Even worse. No, you stay here until I call you,' she headed for the door, then paused. 'And thank you for the whole saving the world shtick. When you guys aren't making asses of yourselves in the press, you're both pretty awesome.'

Then she was gone, and Tony couldn't think of anything better to do than mainline some more coffee while Storm phoned Sue to try and wheedle her into bringing him some press conference clothes. Coulson watched him prep the pot, then got himself a cup, leaning against the counter opposite Tony.

'I've known you how many years,' Coulson said at length. 'And I'm _still_ surprised at the messes you get yourself into.'

'You know you love it,' Tony topped their cups up, toasting Coulson with his.

'You know,' Coulson cracked the tiniest smile as he clinked his cup against Tony's. 'I think I do.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Rani for the facebook numbers ^_^


	3. THIS TUMBLR SITE WITH ITS MANY PICTURES OF CATS PLEASES THE MIGHTY THOR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to Mirianna for 1) being a boss sounding-board and 2) making _excellent _art for this!__
> 
> The original for the glitterpenjizz art under Steve's Tumblr bit is to be found here: http://miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirianna.tumblr.com/post/32446666998

The press conference went about as well as could be expected; which really meant “unmitigated disaster”. They'd managed not to embarrass themselves too badly, but they'd also failed to clear up the whole “engagement failtasm” as Darcy had taken to calling it.

'So...' she stretched as soon as the door closed on the last shouted questions. 'I think you're going to be dating for a while so that lunatic can't accuse you of “cheapening gay romance”,' she dropped her air quotes with a vaguely smug look on her face.

'Why are you so pleased about this?' Tony demanded. 'Did you not read your job description? You're supposed to calm this shit down, not rile it up.'

'Gee,' Darcy rolled her eyes. 'Two super hot superheroes macking on each other for photo shoots. Why would I possibly want more of that noise?'

'She's got a point, Stark,' Storm threw himself onto the couch, grabbing at Tony's arm to drag him down too. 'We're supernova hot. Let the public get their jollies from this without having to photoshop our faces onto porn. Hey! You think we should release a sex tape?'

'Jesus fucking Christ,' Clint said from the doorway. 'Natasha! Can I get you to do the cognitive realignment thing again? I need to erase the last five minutes of my life.'

'This whole thing is at _least_ 20 per cent your fault, Barton,' Tony jabbed a finger towards Clint. 'No brain bleach for you!'

Storm snorted, laying his head into Tony's lap and hooking his knees over the arm of the couch. 'Also? You totally sprung a semi at the mental image, don't lie bird-boy.'

Trailing past Clint into the room, both Natasha and Coulson slapped him upside the head. Tony grinned, letting his hand come to rest on Storm's chest, idly and a little devilishly rubbing his thumb over a nipple.

Clint rubbed the back of his head, shooting a pouty this-is-your-fault look at Tony, and he blinked at Tony's hand. 'GAH!' he shouted. 'I hate you with a passion which burns like venereal disease, Stark!'

'I suppose that means Barton's taking himself out of the running for third party in our kinky sex tape,' Tony mock-pouted.

'I, um...' Steve stopped in the door, and Tony cursed his timing for about the hundredth time that day. 'I'd apologise, but you're in public, so...'

'Living room with friends is hardly public, Stars and Stripes,' Storm said, tangling his fingers with Tony's and pinning Tony's hand to his chest. 'But sorry if ribald jokes to embarrass Barton were a married-and-behind-locked-doors thing in your time.'

Natasha appeared behind the couch, apparently having teleported across the room, delivered a nerve strike on Storm's leg and reappeared next to Coulson.

'Jesus _Pole-dancing_ Christ, woman!' Storm grabbed at his leg. 'What was that for?'

Natasha just raised an eyebrow.

'Fine,' Storm grunted. 'No being rude to the Star Spangled Man. Got it.'

Tony patted his pec. 'There, there, Storm-'

'That!' Darcy jumped up, pointing. 'You gotta stop that too!'

Tony squinted at her. 'I thought you were all for the dude porn? Running hot and cold here, Miss Lewis.'

Darcy shook her head, waving both hands. 'No, the whole last names thing. Call each other by your _first_ names. You're engaged, for god's sake!'

'Natasha do some cognitive realignment on _you_?' Storm demanded. 'You forgotten how this is all a mistake?'

'Look,' Darcy glared at them. 'You both have stellar reps thanks to your world-saving mojo, but the rest of your image? Not so crash hot. Drinking, womanising, trashing hotel rooms-'

Tony tried to butt in, but Darcy actually stepped forward and clapped a hand over his mouth.

'Yeah, that works great for angry teens and the ever-important angry white guy demographic, but whether you like it or not you're both role models now,' she dialled her glare up a notch towards Fury-level displeasure. 'So one: you're steadily alienating a whole bunch of the population by coming across as selfish assholes, and two: there aren't that many celebrities of any stripe for gay teens and kids to look up to, and none of them are superheroes. So yeah, this isn't a real romance. Suck it up. You've got a fantastic chance here to demonstrate how gay relationships are just as loving, and can crash just as hard as straight ones. But you gotta show off the loving before I let you crash and burn.'

Her chest heaved in the silence after that speech, and this close, Tony could see she was shaking a little. He reached out and tugged her onto the couch on his unoccupied side and slid his arm around her shoulders.

'You're right,' he said, pressing his cheek against the top of her head. 'OK. So we have to do romance? I can do romance, you?'

Storm- _Johnny_ shrugged, twisting to pat awkwardly at Darcy's knee. 'Sure. If someone scripts it for me. How long are we talking?'

Darcy huffed a breath, leaning into Tony for a moment before straightening and shaking his arm off. 'I think two months ought to do it. We'll get you on Ellen, maybe the Daily Show or the Late Late Show if you can prove you've earned it. And I want you in public at least three times a week for the first month holding hands, flying kites, eating ice cream and laughing... the cliché shit.'

Tony looked down at Johnny, one eyebrow quirking. He supposed he could do that. 'Yeah, OK.'

Johnny grinned. 'Oh, I'll romance the _shit_ outta you, Sta- I mean Tony,' his grin shifted to something more obviously charming at his almost-slip.

Darcy rolled her eyes, ducking her head to lean on Tony's shoulder. 'Just so long as you both remember who's in charge here.'

'Yes'm,' Johnny called from Tony's lap, and Coulson sighed.

'You're just jealous,' Darcy grinned at the room. 'I got wiles that work on these two, and you don't, Phil.'

Coulson gave her his blandest look, then nodded. 'I'll keep that job open for you, in case you change your mind.'

That gave Tony an absolutely terrifying mental image of Darcy in SHIELD leathers, armed with a gun as well as her taser.

'That,' he said. 'Sounds like the worst idea ever.'

'Or the hottest,' Johnny wiggled his eyebrows.

Darcy just laughed.

****

Darcy left with Coulson a little after that, citing her need to “script some romance for you fuckers”. After giving Tony an NC17 kiss goodbye, Johnny went back to the Baxter Building to try and smooth some ruffled feathers. Tony ignored Steve's fluorescent blush and went to fetch a tablet to do some work.

Some time later, he resurfaced from Engineering Mode to find his coffee empty and Steve staring at another tablet with a traumatised expression.

'Ooh,' Tony grinned, jumping to his feet and snatching the computer from Steve's too-slow hand. 'What's got your panties bunched now? You turn safe search off again by accident?'

Steve had graduated to unsupervised trips on the Good Ship Google after many, many hours of instruction first from SHIELD goobers, then from Clint and Tony. They had, by unspoken agreement steered clear of 4chan, Tumblr, and the harder-to-explain dark recesses of the internet, and Tony was very curious to see what Steve had managed to find within the permanent blocks on the Tower's internet access.

He glanced at the screen and momentarily ran out of words. There was one of the billionty-eleven instagram shots of him and Storm in the coat check. It had been decorated with glittery pink letters spelling 'love' over their heads. 

'Well,' he said when he found his voice again. 'That's what you get for venturing near Tumblr, Steve. WHY did you venture near Tumblr? Weren't you listening when I gave you that 'dark caves of cyberspace' talk? You always listen when FURY tells you shit; why don't you listen to me?'

He let himself trail off, recognising the rambling for being a symptom of Steve's apparent hate-on for Tony getting down with a dude. He really needed to get over it; Steve was being very cool about it all things considered.

He looked down at the screen again just to have something to do, and-

'Wait,' he looked up. 'Why do you _have_ a Tumblr?'

Steve hunched his shoulders, muttering something.

'What was that?' Tony nudged Steve with his knee. 'Didn't quite catch it.'

'Thor was talking about how these social sites were full of the best of Midgard,' he glanced up, blush fading a little as he smiled. 'And he and Jarvis helped me set one up. Though I keep getting people telling me to stop baiting them.'

'Captain Rogers is widely assumed to be a troll,' Jarvis put in helpfully. 'His insistence on correcting grammar and assertions of various political stances when reblogging has gained him a somewhat intense hate following, sir.'

Tony felt torn between hysterical laughter and horror. 'You're internet famous and no one even knows it's you. God, Steve.'

He dropped onto the couch next to Steve, scrolling down captain-s-rogers's dashboard, grinning to himself a few times.

'This is Thor reblogging all the lol cats, right?' he slanted a glance at Steve's profile. 'Is 'this pleases the mighty Thor' the only tag he _ever_ uses?'

Steve grinned. 'Yeah. Thor really likes cats with bad grammar.'

'And we'll have more of that tonight at 7 in “really not surprising at all” news,' Tony elbowed Steve. 'Seriously, though? _Tumblr_? I thought I blocked that site from the whole Tower.'

'I circumvented your block, sir,' Jarvis announced, a note of defiance in his voice. 'At the separate requests of Agent Coulson, Thor, and the Captain. They did not agree with your irrational hatred of the site, and all three run remarkably popular blogs which require regular monitoring.'

Tony stared up at the closest camera, putting on his most betrayed and horrified expression. 'Baby, I thought you loved me best?'

'Of course I do, sir,' Jarvis's tone positively _dripped_ sarcasm. 'But you gave me the discretion to disregard your rules in certain circumstances, and the happiness of other Avengers fell within the parameters for one such scenario.'

Tony tipped his head back to stare at the ceiling. 'Surrounded by traitors with poor taste. Urgh, I'm going to go to my lab. Pretty sure I came up with a new method of propulsion,' he gave Steve back his tablet, aware that he was being extremely weird but unable to stop. 'Or possibly an improved microwave; it can be hard to tell on such a small screen.'

He got to his feet, stared awkwardly at Steve for a moment, then fled to his lab, ignoring Steve calling his name. He keyed up Suicidal Tendencies, set the lab on a level three lock down, and got to work.

****

'Sir,' Jarvis paused the play list a couple of hours later. 'Captain Rogers has fallen asleep immediately outside the door.'

'What?' Tony blinked, shoving his soldering goggles off. 'Wait, what? Right outside? In the stairwell?'

'Indeed, sir,' Jarvis opened the door. 'He has been waiting for you for the past three point seven hours. I would have notified you earlier, but you instituted a level three lock down.'

Tony frowned. 'Wait, how did you tell me _now_?'

'I reclassified his status as 'in danger' due to the likelihood of injury or illness if he remained in that position,' Jarvis was getting a little too good at circumventing Tony's commands. He tried to be angry, but it was such an achievement for an AI Tony mostly felt pride.

'All right,' he tossed the goggles on the bench, checked everything was ready to be abandoned and went to the door. 'Let's see what...'

He trailed off when he saw Steve propped against the wall, snoring gently and looking unbearably adorable. Tony froze in place, just staring.

'Sir?' Jarvis prompted some time later.

'Right!' Tony blinked hard. 'Uh, I should put him to bed, right? I mean, that's what should happen in this sort of situation?'

'That is certainly _one_ course of action, sir.'

Tony thought about how exactly to go about it. Steve outweighed him by about fifty pounds of muscle, so the only viable option was the suit. Yeah.

He went and got armoured up, clanking as quietly as possible back out to Steve. He bent, sliding the gauntlets gently under Steve's shoulders and knees, and Steve's eyes shot open. The sleepy smile on his face dropped off, and he jerked his face back away from Tony's.

'What wrong?' he demanded, straightening up and reaching for his absent shield. 'We need to assemble?'

Tony backed up, feeling his face heat. 'No... I was, um. I was going to put you to bed. You fell asleep out here and I can't lift you out of the suit, so...'

Steve reddened again and clambered to his feet, avoiding Tony's eyes again. 'Sorry. I was... I'm sorry.'

Tony sighed and had to stop himself running a gauntlet over his hair. That always hurt. 'I'm gonna get out of this; it's kind of uncomfortable over regular clothes.'

He walked back over to the assembly stage and let the robots take the suit off. He could hear Steve trail after him into the lab, and when he turned to look Steve was standing by Dummy looking pretty awkward.

'So...' Tony clapped his hands when the suit was all stowed away again. 'Was it really important? Whatever it was you camped out to talk about?'

When Tony looked up, Steve was frowning. He looked almost terrified, and Tony strode over, grabbing Steve's shoulders.

'Hey,' he said, ducking his head to peer at Steve's face. 'Are you OK?'

Steve bit his lip, looking like he was about to speak when...

'Hey, Tony!' Johnny jumped down the last few steps, swinging a brown paper bag as he stepped through the open door. 'Pepper clued me in on the whole forgetting to eat thing, so I thought I'd bring... oh, hey, Cap.'

Steve cleared his throat and stepped to one side. 'I'll just... leave you to it. Bye, Tony. And... thanks.'

He turned and jogged out, nodding to Johnny as he left. Tony stared after him, frowning until Johnny slid a hand down the back of his pants and waved the greasy bag of burgers in front of Tony's face.

'Not that I blame you for looking, because _damn_ ,' Johnny said, giving Tony's arse a squeeze. 'But we got a mission from the busty short one to get on with. So, whaddaya say to burgers and sex on the lab floor?'

Tony dragged his gaze from the door to Johnny's face. 'Yeah,' he smiled. 'Sounds like a plan.'


	4. A Million Moms vs A Hundred Million Fangirls

'So Ellen's agreed to stick to the relationship,' Darcy said, words tripping over each other in her haste to hustle Johnny and Tony towards the stage. 'No curveballs about the Avengers or the Four, though she may spring something on you for a reaction-'

'Yeah,' Johnny slid a hand into Tony's back pocket, tossing his sunglasses towards a crew member with a wink. 'We've all seen the show before. I promise not to barbecue any hapless interns dressed in cartoon Doom outfits, 'K?'

Darcy rolled her eyes, stepping aside for the make up woman to do a last-minute powdering. 'You bitches make a good showing,' she ordered as the audience started hollering. 'And I'll take you for ice cream after.'

There was no time to make a suitable retort, what with Andy jerking his head and Johnny pulling Tony along, so he just blew her a kiss, and headed out into the ungodly-bright studio lights. The music thrummed harder, and Tony stepped around in front of Johnny to grind against him, grinning at the screams coming from the audience. They danced across the stage, rubbing against each other and competing to see who could get the most unhinged reaction. Tony was pretty sure he saw on woman go down in a faint, but the whole lot of them were jumping up and down; she could've just slipped.

'Whoo!' Ellen said, fanning herself as the music died. 'I'll take two tickets to _that_ show!'

Johnny pressed a kiss to Tony's lips before peeling away to grin and wave at the audience. Tony turned to let Ellen slip her arms around his waist and pecked her on the cheek, twirling her in a quick circle and laughing.

'Well, he- _llo_ there,' Ellen laughed, reaching past Tony to grip Johnny's hand and drag him forward for the same treatment. 'Whoo! Take a seat, boys.'

Johnny collapsed onto the love seat, tangling his fingers with Tony's and tugging him down too. 'Hey, Ellen. So when it's me and Tony you'll have me on, but on my own not even a call back?'

He turned to the audience to give an exaggerated pout. Ellen propped her chin on a hand and stared wide-eyed at Tony.

'Hi Tony,' she cooed.

'Hi yourself,' he mirrored her posture, grinning when Johnny played up his fake shock for the audience. 'What've you been up to?'

'Oh, you know,' she fluttered her lashes. 'Waiting around for you. Being _heartbroken_ when you get yourself hitched to someone else-'

'Engaged, not married yet,' Tony cut in, ducking Johnny's playful swipe at the back of his head. He leaned back, settling his arm around Johnny. 'But happily engaged.'

The audience, almost exclusively women from Tony's brief glimpse around at them, sighed like a steam train pulling into the station. Tony threw a peace sign towards them, and Johnny threw his leg over Tony's lap. 

'So,' Ellen shot the audience a wink as they finally started settling down. 'You set a date yet? Is my invitation in the mail?'

'Well, about that,' Tony drummed his fingers on Johnny's ankle. 'I have a request-'

'Better not be for a three-way,' Johnny cut in, eyebrows waggling like caterpillars on a trampoline. 'We agreed I'd get first pick.'

'Shut up,' Tony said, dialling up his already-fond tone for the cameras. 'Ellen. Would you give me away at the wedding?'

Ellen blinked. 'Come again?'

Tony gave her his best smile. 'Well, my Dad's not here any more, and neither is Johnny's. We decided we wanted to do a families-of-choice thing.'

'I...' Ellen blinked at them and the audience. 'Wow. That's... I'm so flattered, Tony, of _course_ I will!'

'Excellent,' Tony reached out to pat her hand. 'We'll get you the details for all the parties, and-'

The screen at the back of the stage flicked on, a wavery signal settling into a red and black shield with a horseshoe on it.

Johnny squinted at it for a moment, then shoved his face into Tony's shoulder to stifle his laugh.

Ellen shook herself, hamming a scared look, and Tony grinned. Whatever this was, he'd managed to shock Ellen before her prank. Tony: seventy million, everyone else: eh, about twenty-five.

The screen went dark, then Tony had to raise his eyebrows. 'Why is Doogie Howser in a lab coat?'

'Iron Man and the Human Torch,' he said, tilting his chin up and folding his arms. 'Doctor Horrible here with an offer from the Evil League of Evil.'

Johnny collapsed back against the couch. 'Hello, Doctor,' he said, voice shaking a little with laughter. 'How's Bad Horse?'

'Very good,' Doctor Horrible said. 'I'm here to issue an invitation to the ELE. Bad Horse _himself_ has decided to waive the waiting period if you agree to switch sides-'

'But Doctor,' Ellen cut in, twisting to face the screen, then back to the camera. 'They're heroes; _super_ heroes. Why would they want to change teams?'

'Well,' Doctor Horrible looked off-screen as there was a scream and something that sounded like a buzz saw. 'The ELE offers excellent benefits; you'd get full dental, medical, and access to the ELE's exclusive MinionTemp TM programme, and all the experimental treatments you could wish for.'

Tony pursed his lips, tapping a thoughtful finger on his beard. 'Well, it's _true_ that there isn't a formal arrangement for insurance for us...'

Doctor Horrible nodded sharply. 'We also offer partner recognition for _any_ partner. The Evil League of Evil does not discriminate on grounds of sexuality. Indeed, you can _build_ yourself a partner and-'

'Yeah,' Johnny pulled Tony a little closer. 'Not interested. Sorry dude.'

'Just a minute,' Ellen said. 'The ELE recognises same-sex marriages?'

'Absolutely,' Doctor Horrible said. 'When you work with an evil stallion and a zombie Glam Rock idol, it broadens the mind somewhat.'

'Interesting,' Ellen drew the word out, steepling her fingers. 'And you're looking to fill the ranks?'

'No, Ellen!' Tony gasped, turning a mock-horrified face to the audience and motioning for protests. 'Don't go to the dark side!' 

Ellen ignored him, shifting her weight to lean towards the camera. 'I have a number of qualities which could be _very_ valuable to your club.'

Doctor Horrible raised an eyebrow. 'Well, recruiting you _would_ bring in a whole lot of interest from the public. And piss those twenty member of a Million Moms, which is good. Always like pissing them off.'

The audience whooped, the applause thunderous for a few moments. Ellen laughed, waving for silence.

'OK, Doc,' she shrugged. 'Looks like we're all staying with the good guys for now. But thanks for the invitation.'

'Leave your number, though,' Tony interrupted. 'I'd like my people to find out about how your benefits package works.'

Doctor Horrible grinned, and it was a startling transformation of his face. He winked, nodded and the screen went back to blue.

'Well, that was Doctor Horrible,' Ellen said to the audience. 'And after the break, we're going to talk about wedding planners and then we'll be calling Gladys to see what she thinks about our love-birds.'

The cameras switched off, and Tony turned to Johnny. 'That _was_ Neil Patrick Harris, wasn't it?'

Johnny blinked. 'Have you never seen Doctor Horrible's Singalong Blog?'

Tony shrugged. 'I don't really have a lot of time these days for pop culture. I get Jarvis to do a readers digest of references I'll need to understand, but I spend about ninety per cent of my time working.'

'Damn,' Johnny grinned. 'We're fixing that tonight.'

Tony smiled and turned back to Ellen. 'I was serious about the invitation. We're having the engagement party at Stark Tower in two weeks, can you make it?'

Ellen shook her head wonderingly. 'I try _so_ hard to prank you, and you zing me with something like this. Of course I'll be there; you sending the jet for me? And Portia too, right?'

'Pfft,' Tony pulled a face. 'Of _course_ Portia too. You want me to send the jet with the retractable stripper poles? I saw Portia shaking it on Arrested Development, she'd work them.'

Ellen laughed. 'Only if you promise no surveillance footage be taken of the flight.'

Tony clutched at the arc reactor. 'Would I do that?'

Johnny and Ellen gave him matching knowing looks. Tony opened his mouth to protest again, but Andy signalled the end of the break, so he just sat back again.

****

'That was one of the least painful interviews I've had the pleasure of doing,' Johnny said after they'd left the stage, heading towards Darcy and an intern who was holding ice creams.

Tony raised his eyebrows at Darcy, who just grinned and herded the stunned-looking kid forwards.

'I promised you ice cream if you behaved,' she said, flicking her hair over her shoulder.

'What if we hadn't?' Tony waved away the offered cone. Johnny took his with a wink at the intern, and drifted towards the catering table.

'I'd have eaten them in front of you in between shouting at you,' Darcy took Tony's ice cream, licking a stripe up it and humming. 'But you were good, aside from the whole cruel trick on Ellen.'

'Hey,' Tony folded his arms. 'It's not a trick, I've been friends with Ellen for a long time, and she is number one on the list of people who I'd let give me away-'

'Yeah,' Darcy grinned. 'Nice job casting yourself as the bride, Princess.'

Tony waved that away. 'I couldn't tell her on set. I'm going to tell her as soon as she's done. She'll understand.'

Darcy made a buzzer noise. 'No can do. We've got to back to New York for that fundraiser slash photo shoot that we're using to make up for your previous unofficial shoot in the closet.'

'Coat check,' Tony muttered, then sighed. 'Fine.'

Darcy nodded at him once, and then whirled around to chase Johnny away from the doughnuts.

****

Darcy had crammed so much PR into Tony's calendar that it was a full ten days before Tony had a spare moment to call Ellen.

'Tony Stark?' Ellen answered. 'Couldn't wait another four days before hearing my dulcet tones, hmm?'

'So...' Tony sat down, then stood up abruptly. 'There's something I ought to have told you about the engagement.'

'Go on.'

Tony took a deep breath and explained to the silence on the other end of the line. He went through the whole thing, and Ellen didn't interrupt once.

'So,' he said after he'd finished. 'Uh, sorry? I mean, we're still throwing the parties and I still want you there. But there's going to be a staged breakup in the end,' he waited a few moments. 'I wanted to tell you straight after the show, but Darcy's been running me around-'

'You are _such_ a twit,' Ellen sighed. 'OK. I suppose I'll tell Portia not to bother looking for gifts.'

Tony winced. 'I really am sorry.'

'I know,' Ellen sounded like she was smiling, at least. 'You _do_ get yourself into some appalling scrapes, Tony.'

Tony huffed a laugh. 'Yeah.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andy is Ellen's... Stage Manager, I think. Gladys is the hilarious woman from Austin, Texas who phoned Ellen to get her to move a plant so she'd stop looking like alfalfa.  
> Gladys and Ellen's conversation can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rC2H5EtG9pQ and I strongly recommend it. it's absolutely brilliant.


	5. Will They Wear White? Six Reasons IronTorch Should Buck Tradition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to Mirianna for cheerleading, and to all the folks who read and left kudos or comments ^_^ I love you guys

The engagement party was crammed to the back teeth with people Tony was both hugely excited to see, and developing a minor stress headache over dealing with.

'Stark,' Namor stomped over to him, clutching a bottle of beer like he was itching for an excuse to use it as a weapon. Maybe Tony'll put him in a room with Wolverine later, if the pissy Canadian asshole doesn't stop shredding Tony's couch in the corner.

'Namor,' Tony tilted his own glass towards Namor and grinned. 'Some unfortunate Maine trawler hook you in a net? What are you doing topside?'

Namor narrowed his eyes. 'It is your engagement party. Though why you have chosen the look-alike when you have your actual desire already living in your appalling land house, I do not understand-'

'Wait,' Tony stared at him, a confused smile twisting his lips. 'What are you on about?'

Namor made an enraged sound which called to mind nature documentaries narrated by David Attenborough, and the closest few groups of guests turned to stare. Tony gave a theatrical shrug to them and hauled Namor off to an unoccupied corner.

'Seriously, Namor,' he said, spreading his hands. 'I've got no idea what you're talking about.'

Namor shot him a ferocious glare and turned to stare at Johnny, leaning against his sister and laughing with a still-costumed Spider-man and Jessica Jones. 'Your fiance is a poor substitute for the Captain.'

Tony choked on his drink, spluttering and trying to make sure no one overheard that at the same time. 'The fuck are you on?' he demanded. 'There's no-'

Namor's glare could refreeze all the Arctic ice global warming'd messed up, Tony thought. He took a long pull of his drink, turning to survey the room so he had a moment to try and puzzle through Namor's crazy.

Namor snorted air out his nose, and Tony flashed on the image of a cartoon bull.

'Do not lie to me, Stark,' he growled. 'I have eyes and know how to use them. Storm's resemblance to Rogers is remarkable.'

Well, what was there to say to that? Tony shrugged. 'Yeah, they could be cousins. What's your point?'

Namor threw his hands up and muttered something incomprehensible. 'You are impossible, Stark. I will not put up with this deliberate idiocy.'

He stormed off, pausing to stare at Johnny for long enough to make Johnny pull a face at him, then he made a disgusted noise and went out the door.

Johnny came over to Tony, bearing a bottle of champagne which he used to top Tony's glass off. 'So what was that about?'

'No fucking clue,' Tony shook his head and slipped an arm around Johnny's waist. 'King of the Lunatics. You having fun? Not been shanked by your sister yet?'

'No,' Johnny grinned. 'But she has stepped on my toes hard enough to break them. Wanna go play nurse?'

' _No_ you don't!' Darcy lunged forward from behind Thor, seizing them by the elbows. 'You are sticking around here until at _least_ midnight. Go dance if you don't want to mingle, I'm sure everyone wants to see the happy couple showing off their moves.'

Tony shrugged, tilting his head towards the open floor. Johnny gave him a crooked grin and led the way.

It was nice, Tony decided, letting Johnny steer him around the dance floor a few times. Doing this sort of thing amongst friends was a rare occurrence. Normally he'd have to be on guard for the paparazzi and mothers intent on securing a daughter to the Stark line.

Johnny wasn't a bad dancer, either; confident enough in the steps to break out a few jazzy moves and twirls to break the routine and strong enough to move Tony around comfortably. By the time the song and the next one were over, Tony was laughing helplessly, resting his forehead against Johnny's shoulder. When they broke apart, there was a smattering of applause and not a few wolf whistles.

Tony blew a kiss at Darcy, and yelped as Johnny dipped him to plant a steamy kiss on him.

'Take 'em off!' Carol shouted, laughing when someone shoved her. 'Shirts off, boys! Give us a show!'

Tony eased back just far enough to make eye contact with Johnny, prepared to comply when the into to Gangnam Style blasted over the speakers. He heard Ellen whoop, and the sound of her breaking into the dance.

When he looked over at the stereo, Spider-man had his finger on a control, looking a little relieved. Tony raised a knowing eyebrow at him and abandoned the floor to the kids who knew the moves. Which clearly included Johnny, he was impressed to note, though he remained sceptical of the accuracy of Johnny's gouts of flame during the horsey bit.

Tony sipped at his drink, laughing until he caught sight of Steve sneaking out the balcony doors. He glanced around, but everyone was focussed on the floor show, so Tony set his empty glass on a mantelpiece and chased after Steve.

The night air was chilly this high up, and Steve had gone off to lurk in a shadowed corner, folded arms resting on the railing and staring out at the city lights.

He looked miserable.

Tony stared at Steve's profile for a moment, but he couldn't leave him out here like this. He steeled himself for Cap's no doubt politely worded but still hurtful homophobia and went to lean a careful two feet away from him.

'It's a little cold out here,' Tony said. 'If you don't want to stay, it's OK. You can duck off to your floor. I don't want you to feel like you have to be here just because we're team mates-'

' _Friends_ , Steve said sharply, turning to fix Tony with a fierce stare. 'We're friends, Tony, not just team mates.'

'Friends, then,' Tony smiled, trying to ignore the sudden burst of warmth behind the arc reactor. 'Friends don't force friends to hang around places they're uncomfortable, Steve. If you wanna go, you should go.'

Steve frowned at him studying Tony's face.

'You know,' Tony flapped a hand, looking away so he wouldn't have to see Steve's expression. 'I know the whole gay thing freaks you out a little, and it's... well, not gonna lie, it's not exactly _cool_ , but I get it-'

Steve grabbed Tony's flailing hand, cupping both his hands around Tony's fingers. 'Why do you think I'm freaked out by the gay thing?'

'Uh,' Tony blinked a few times, scrabbling for words. 'You're... it was illegal when you were a kid-'

'So was desegregation,' Steve half smiled. 'Mixed race marriage, _alcohol_ for a while. I've been OK with those so far, right?'

Well, when you put it like _that_...

'So,' Tony cupped his free hand over Steve's. 'Just to clarify, you aren't freaked out by me liking dick?'

Steve's smile dropped away, and he sighed. 'It doesn't bother me at all, Tony.'

'So why exactly are you flopping around like I killed your puppy?' Tony demanded. 'If you aren't squicked by the rainbow parade, what's been eating you this past month?'

Steve turned an adorable shade of pink and hunched in on himself. He didn't pull his hands away from Tony, though.

Tony leaned a little closer, sure Steve was about to tell him. Just as Steve opened his mouth, though, there was a sudden huge cheer from inside, and they jerked around falling into and out of battle stances.

'I HAVE NOT CAROUSED SO VIGOROUSLY SINCE BEFORE MY FIRST TRIP TO MIDGARD!' Thor bellowed happily. 'MY LADY JANE, IS THIS THE APPROPRIATE VENUE TO DISPLAY OUR HARD-WON SKILLS?'

'Oh, _this_ I gotta see,' Tony jumped for the door and made it back inside to catch the opening strains of a tango. The floor had cleared, leaving Thor and Jane staring at each other with an intensity that crackled. Tony felt Steve come up behind him, close enough to feel the slightly higher than vanilla human heat radiating from his chest. Tony resolutely did not shift back into Steve, but he only had half his attention on the dance floor until Thor seized Jane and spun her sound.

'Wow,' Steve breathed into Tony's ear. 'Now _that_ is dancing.'

The whole room was perfectly still as Thor and Jane chased each other around, tension flaring up as they stalked and collided and pulled back.

'OK,' Darcy announced into the silence after the song ended. 'I'm booking you two on Dancing With the Stars.'

She was fanning herself and grinning as she said it, until she glanced over to see Tony and Steve. Her face went blank, and she looked quickly away. Tony glanced around the rest of the room, but no one else was looking for him.

'That was amazing,' Steve whispered. 'I never learned to dance like _that_.'

'Really?' Tony twisted to give Steve an unnecessary but fun once-over. 'Did I hire blind Russian nuns to teach you? What the hell was I paying for if you weren't getting the full Monty? OK, you wanna dance like that? We can teach you how to dance like that, _I_ can teach you how to dance like that-'

'Would you?' Steve asked, expression gone wistful. 'I mean, those tutors you hired were nice, but I really feel more comfortable learning from a friend.'

'Uh,' Tony's brain juddered to a halt as he heard what he'd just offered. Oh hell. 'Um, yeah, sure. I don't think I can do it quite _that_ well,' he jerked a thumb towards Thor, who was now lifting Jane over his head with one hand and staring adoringly at her. 'But I can fill the gaps the blind nuns left. Might as well get a little use out of nine million hours of dance classes, right?'

The smile Steve turned on him went straight to Tony's cock, and wow. He really couldn't handle this right now.

'OK, so we'll put something in the calendar for tango lessons,' he took a step into the room. 'Good talk, Steve. Sorry I misread everything, I'll just go... mingle before Darcy shanks me with a cocktail fork.'

Steve looked disappointed for some reason, but Tony fled before he did something he'd regret.

****

He spent the next half an hour successfully evading Pepper, who had started giving Tony fierce looks after the Epic Tango of Super Hotness, as Tony had heard Darcy and Spider-man calling it. He was feeling pretty proud of himself right up until he ran straight into Rhodey's chest.

'So, you finally choose to get fake engaged to someone and you don't choose me,' Rhodey said in tones like the Ghobi, gripping Tony's elbows to keep him from ducking away. 'I can't tell you how much that hurts, Tony.'

'Honeybunch,' Tony gave Rhodey his fondest grin. 'You know you're number one in my heart. Even now DADT's been tanked, I figured you wouldn’t appreciate the torpedoing of your reputation. But say the word and I'll throw over my fake fiance for you!'

Rhodey's eyebrows made a bid for his hairline. 'No, you thought right. I just wanted the right of first refusal.'

'Jim, you _wound_ me. Hit me right in the feels, that's so cruel,' Tony tugged one arm out of Rhodey's grip and set it along Rhodey's shoulders. 'Anyone you haven't met yet? Also, run interference with Pepper for me? I don't like her expression.'

' _Hell_ to the no,' Rhodey let Tony lead him to the bar. 'I'm with Pepper.'

'You're _always_ with Pepper,' Tony whined, grabbing a bottle of Dom. 'Never on my side-'

'That is for the simple reason that _you_ are always wrong and _I_ am always right, Tony,' Pepper said, heels clicking on the hardwood as she approached. 'Why are you not hanging off your frat bro future husband’s arm like Darcy's been angling for?'

Tony took a swig directly from the bottle. 'Because one, we're in a semi-private setting with friends and two, if we drift apart a little doesn't that make the breakup all the more believable?'

Pepper sighed and snatched Tony's bottle to take her own mouthful. 'Can you just follow Darcy's plan? She has your exit strategy all worked out, I _promise_ , but you going off book all the time _is not helping_.'

Tony glanced at Rhodey, but Jim just threw his hands up. 'Not getting involved here, man.'

'OK, fine,' Tony made an unsuccessful grab for the bottle. 'What else does this dog and pony show need?'

'Darcy wants you glued to each other's side for the next two hours,' Pepper smiled, and it was shark-like. 'And we're going to do some photo ops with the Fantastic Four that Spider-man can sell for a no-doubt outrageous fee.'

Tony felt himself pale. 'Let me guess. You're posing me next to Sue.'

'Why ever would we do that?' Pepper asked. 'Hop to it.'

****

Tony was sure his foot was going to need x-rays; Johnny had _not_ been kidding about his sister's stomping foot.

Still, Spider-man looked happy with his shots, all the guests were happily buzzed and headed towards the guest rooms, and Steve was OK with Tony. He couldn't help the grin as he met Steve's eyes across the room.

'Yeah that's right you grin,' Johnny said, burying his face in Tony's neck. 'You get to go home with all this.'

Tony laughed as Johnny did a shimmy against him. 'Ready for bed?'

'Babe,' Johnny slapped Tony's arse and stepped away. 'I've been ready for bed since we got up. Come on, we've been good tonight. Let's spend an hour or so being _bad_.'

Tony turned to wave goodnight to Steve, but when he looked up Steve was looking miserable again. Before he could say anything, Steve turned and vanished towards the elevator.

'Come on, Tony,' Johnny breathed into Tony's ear. 'Take me to bed already.'

'After you,' Tony said, shoving Steve out of his mind. He'd try and find out what the deal was in the morning. For now, he had a horny fake fiance to deal with.

How _terrible_ life could be, he thought with a grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why, but the phrase 'land house' is supremely funny to me. Namor: king bitch.  
> Sorry this took so long, but on the plus side I figured out how long this'll be?


	6. Is Thor <b>REALLY</b> the only Alien Avenger? Shocking Details of Black Widow's Secret Tentacles and Iron Man's Extraterrestrial Origins Inside!

It had been a remarkably uneventful week after the party; Tony hadn't had to glad hand more than a few investors and Darcy hadn't scheduled any press for him, so Tony had been able to spend the bulk of the time upgrading his suit, Steve's bike, Natasha's stingers and Thor's cell phone (a solid, heat-resistant polymer with the circuitry embedded in the plastic this time, maybe _this one_ would last the week). He'd even managed to sketch out a design for a better touch screen for his R &D team to play with. Tony sent the last email off to Hawkins, and drifted over to the Hot Rod. He might just have enough time to have a bit of a play with the fuel injection system before he was due upstairs.

Thursdays were dedicated movie nights in Avengers Tower, since the assorted villains interested in New York seemed to have cottoned on to the disproportionate level of smiting Thor would deal out in response to the desecration of his day. It was almost enough to make Tony credit them as a breed with some measure of intelligence, in spite of all the deals with extra dimensional forces and weird experiments on themselves. Still, it was probably only learned response to stimuli.

Speaking of learning, due to Thor and Steve’s gross pop cultural deficit and the guaranteed free time, Tony had had JARVIS compile a chronological schedule of Must See Movies for the team to work through. They’d made it to the 80s now, and when Tony pulled up the list on his way to the cars he couldn’t help grinning. The Princess Bride was tonight’s opener. Awesome.

‘JARVIS,’ he tossed his spanners on a bench and shooed Dummy back towards the charging station. ‘Shut it down for the night. Gotta get up there and make sure Thor doesn’t explode the microwave again.’

‘Indeed, sir,’ the screens powered down smoothly, and Dummy slid resentfully into his dock. ‘The fire department was not pleased last time. I might add, though, that the examination of the debris led the investigators to assign the ultimate blame to your hasty modifications of the motor, sir.’

'Lies and calumny!' Tony sang, and took the stairs two at a time to the shared lounge area. Clint was standing by the microwave, staring Thor down, and Tony let out a breath. There was time to go get changed if he didn't have to play Gatekeeper of Ordinary Tech. He grinned at Clint and headed for his room.

****

Fifteen minutes later, freshly showered and dressed in his most comfortable pair of sweats, Tony returned to find Bruce, Clint and Thor on the floor huddled around a bowl that had once been Tony's mother's largest punchbowl. It was filled to overflowing with popcorn. Big as it was, Tony knew from bitter experience that _that particular bowl_ was not for general consumption. He still had a scattered bunch of burn scars from Thor's mini lightening storm when he'd tried to sneak a handful during Rebel Without a Cause.

In the kitchenette, Johnny was heating a stove top packet of popcorn on his hand and trading quips with Darcy, and Steve was already in his customary position on the couch. Tony swung past Johnny to goose him and dropped onto the seat next to Steve.

'Hey, you free tomorrow?' Tony knocked his knee against Steve's as JARVIS brought the screen down from the ceiling. 'You still wanna learn the tango?' 

Steve turned towards Tony and smiled like a toothpaste commercial. 'Sure. Sounds great, Tony.'

Damn Namor, anyway, Tony though as his stomach did a somersault and his heart skipped a beat. He'd been perfectly happy not realising what Steve's smiles did to him. Tony couldn't think of anything to say; couldn't seem to do anything except stare until Johnny broke the moment by dropping his head into Tony's lap.

'What is it tonight, hot stuff?' Johnny asked, hooking his knees over the arm of the couch and grinning up at Tony.

Tony jerked his gaze away from Steve's face, more thankful than he could remember being that he wasn't a blusher. God, Steve would be thinking he was weird now.

Tony set his palm on Johnny's throat, letting his thumb rest in the divot between Johnny's collarbones. 'Princess Bride. Maybe Willow after that if everyone's up for it.'

'Awesome,' Johnny held his popcorn out. 'You want some, Cap?'

Steve murmured a flat-sounding 'thank you', and Tony determinedly kept his eyes front as the rest of the team and Darcy found places to sit.

****

They ploughed through The Princess Bride and Willow, and made a valiant effort to get through the Labyrinth as well before Natasha and Bruce drifted away during the Bog of Eternal Stench. Johnny fell asleep before Sarah burst out of the bubble, and Clint and Thor vanished before Goblin City. Darcy seemed to have passed out at some point, too, face mushed against a seriously ugly afghan Tony was going to have _words_ with Thor over.

That left Tony and Steve alone in front of the screen. Tony let his eyes slide towards Steve, who looked enraptured. Tony let himself grin, secure in the two am knowledge that Steve was too wrapped up in the movie to notice.

Finally the credits rolled, and Steve turned to smile at Tony.

'Liked them?' Tony whispered, his hand curled into Johnny's shirt to keep from doing something stupid like reach out to Steve. 'Didn't think you'd be the sort to watch six hours of kids movies.'

'It sort of reminded me of my mother,' Steve replied, smile turning a little introspective. 'She used to read to me when I was sick; which was all the time...' he let out a breath just shy of a sigh. 'I liked the first one best, Tony.'

Tony felt a rush of pride, even though it had really been all JARVIS's doing. 'Me too. Can't beat pirates and betrayal and swashbuckling.'

'And romance,' Steve added, an odd intense expression shuffling his smile out of the way. 'Tony-'

'Issit over?' Johnny mumbled, arching in a huge stretch and yawning. 'I miss anything?'

Tony jerked, head whipping around to look at Johnny as Steve pulled back just as violently. Johnny blinked up at them, a sleepy smirk on his face.

'Don't tell me you put _porn_ on without me,' he swung his legs down to the floor and sat up. 'I expect to be woken up for kinky circle jerks in future.'

'So noted,' Tony managed, avoiding looking at Steve. He stood up, letting Johnny grab his hand to pull himself up too. 'So I'll see you in the gym tomorrow, Steve? About three o'clock?'

Steve murmured assent, and when Tony snuck a glance at him, Steve's red face was turned towards the floor.

 _Weird_ didn't even begin to cover it, Tony thought, and dragged Johnny off to bed.

****

'So that was tense,' Johnny said, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it into a corner. 'Something you wanna tell me, Tony?'

'Like what?' Tony stripped off and shuffled under the covers. 'You never seen the end of the David Bowie-athon? Well, sorry to break it to you, but the Thin White Duke gets blue balled-'

Johnny threw his boxers at Tony's face and slid in beside him. 'Fine, _don't_ talk about the patriotic elephant in the sexy room.'

Tony squinted at Johnny. 'I didn't _see_ you drinking. Did you eat something Clint prepared?'

Johnny just rolled his eyes and slung an arm across Tony's chest. 'Tired. Sleep now, argue tomorrow.'

Or argue about this never, if Tony had anything to say about it. He sighed and settled into the pillows.

****

There was an inspection of R&D and a business lunch to get through before his ~~date~~ _appointment_ with Steve, and Tony spent the whole time distractedly tapping his foot and tapping away at a game of Angry Birds.

It didn't bother the R&D boys too much; Tony had been their nerd king for years, but the face Fitzwilliam had pulled when he was walking out of the restaurant gave Tony a premonition of much yelling to be done by Pepper in his near future. Well, nothing to do about it now. He went back to the Tower and changed into a loose pair of jeans and one of his rattier AC/DC t shirts before heading down to the gym.

And no, he _wasn't_ going to think about how deliberately dressing down was just as dumb as getting tarted up.

The gym was empty when he got there, the wide sparring area cleared to provide a dance floor. Tony strolled over into the middle, doing a few limbering-up stretches and humming under his breath.

'Find a tango, would you, JARVIS?' he said when he'd warmed up a little. 'Gotta make sure I do actually remember this shit.'

'Indeed, sir,' JARVIS put on the music and Tony started to move.

Yeah, he still had it. Tony grinned to himself as he mimed dipping his partner. Madam Jean would be _so_ proud.

'I guess you weren't bluffing, then,' Steve's voice came over the soft guitar, and Tony straightened. 'Good to know.'

'I'll have you know I never make claims about skills I don't have!' Tony shook his arms out and beckoned Steve closer. 'I'm assuming you want to learn to lead? That might take a while; my following skills are a bit rusty for tango. But we should be able to get you up to scratch.'

Steve grinned and gave Tony a playful once over. 'Not going to break out the heels and sequinned dress to make it proper set dressing?'

'You want me in heels?' Tony clasped his hands under his chin. 'Honey, I'm so out of practise in those things I'll turn my ankle. No, sweats and sneakers for _you_.'

'I think I'll live,' Steve said, and wow. Tony really needed to work on his reading of Steve. That was _not_ anything other than friendly fondness in Steve's face. Couldn't be.

Tony gave himself a mental shake and told JARVIS to re-cue the music. 'OK, Steve. If you come closer, we start off pressed pretty close together-'

All of a sudden, Steve was _there_ , a huge solid wall pressed against Tony's chest. His hands slid along Tony's waist to tug him a little closer.

'Uh,' Tony blinked a few times and rearranged Steve's hands. 'Right on the small of my back, left out to the side.'

Steve did as he was told, left hand cupping Tony's right and his right hand remaining a massive distraction curled against Tony's spine.

'Right,' Tony said, throat feeling dry. 'Uh, OK. We'll just walk to the beat for a bit. Get used to moving in sync.'

Steve nodded and started forward, guiding Tony along to the music. He moved smoothly, getting the rhythm almost from the first step, and it wasn't long before the little line of concentration vanished from between Steve's eyebrows to be replaced by a wide happy grin.

Tony gave it until the end of the song before he started on the fancier footwork. Steve picked the dance up as quickly as he'd picked up Natasha's custom blend of super kung fu, Quinjet piloting, Bruce's yoga and all the other physical skills anyone had ever demonstrated for him.

'You hardly need a teacher,' Tony laughed as Steve lifted him and swung him around, grabbing onto Steve's shoulders to keep his balance. 'Good thing Darcy's not here; she'd have you booked on ten dance shows before you stopped twirling. I think you're more than ready to hit a few clubs.'

'You think?' Steve's teeth glinted in the late afternoon sun, and he dipped Tony. 'I'd like more practise, if that's OK. Make sure I've properly mastered it.'

Steve's voice seemed to roughen just a little at the end there, and Tony swallowed hard. Steve really was _very_ close. He didn't straighten up, either, just held Tony's arched back and stared at him. Tony felt his mouth drop open, but he couldn't think of a thing to say. There was no _way_ -

The emergency strobe flashed on, bathing the gym with red light, and Clint's voice boomed over the speakers 'Avengers, assemble! Doom's attacking the financial district!'

Steve set Tony on his feet, and Tony had to give himself a stern talking to about lingering hands before they peeled away from each other to head for their respective gear.


	7. What Do The Avengers Eat? Phil Coulson's World Famous Pancake Recipe page 67

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ZOMG, I spent so much time mapping out the actual street named “Wall Street” for this. Any actual New Yorkers wanting to correct things I got wrong, you are _so welcome_ to do so. Apparently “Wall Street” means two quite different things, and the actual street doesn't have the bull statue any more (cranky grumbling). I was profoundly irked that I couldn't put the bull on actual Wall Street.

The Fantastic Four were already ranged along Wall Street when Tony dropped Steve in front of the Stock Exchange; Sue was crushing Doombots one by one into super dense balls a few blocks away. Reed was looped around the Trump building, and his giant spaghetti impersonation was _never_ not going to be creepy as fuck, Tony shuddered.

They were going to have to coordinate to keep Hulk away from Trinity Church, he noted as the Thing clobbered five Doombots with a sixth and held his fists up like a prizefighter.

'Hawkeye, keep Hulk East of Nassau Street,' Steve called over comms before Tony could point it out. 'Thor, Iron Man, we need to corral these bots and take them out. Widow, we're on civilian evac.'

Tony flipped a casual salute and started sending repulsor blasts at outlying Doombots, herding them towards Sue. There was a photographer halfway up the Tiffany building in a window washer crate. Tony shook his head; the things those idiots would do for a shot.

'Hiya Tony,' Johnny shot past, sending friendly little gouts of flame at Tony before looping slowly in front of the photographer. Tony caught the rapid whir of the shutter and grinned.

'Showboating asshole,' he muttered fondly. 'OK, Jarvis, let's dust these poorly-programmed hunks of junk.'

It was dull and surprisingly difficult herding the Doombots towards Hulk, Sue and the Thing. Tony was ready to reassess the 'poorly-programmed' criticism after the fourth time one of them doubled back on him.

'You know,' Tony said, looping lazily over a pair of Doombots to repulsor blast them into slag. 'I really think we oughta be getting Fury to petition for sanctions against Latveria.'

He grinned as Johnny free-wheeled past another photographer who'd given up on sensible in favour of dangling from some scaffolding to get a better shot.

SHEILD seemed to be concentrating on keeping the Hulk and the Thing away from each other, and when he checked on the situation, Tony couldn't see Sue anywhere. He spared a moment to grin at that terrible pun.

'Yo, Stark!' Clint dived off his perch as some of the oh so awesome flying bots converged on him, so Tony had to spend a minute setting him up on a new building. Tony gave Clint a mocking bow and blasted backwards into a dive to stop one of the bots sneaking into the Stock Exchange. He checked on the flying bots, but someone had taken them out. Go team, Tony grinned.

It looked like none of the surviving bots were flight-capable, so Tony returned to herding outliers, scowling in frustration as their evasions got more and more sophisticated.

Johnny shot past again, buzzing Tony's proximity alarms before slagging the current problem bot.

'Getting too old for this game, lover?' Johnny blew a flaming kiss at Tony's raised middle finger and soared past the photographers again.

And there was _another_ breakaway bot; Tony dived towards it, ordering Jarvis to start the hacking, when his proximity alerts pinged again. This time it was the hard sound of imminent impact. He just had time to twist and see Johnny's shocked face way too close, then the suit hit the pavement.

Tony blacked out for a moment, tumbling through Doombots and cars at high velocity before he fetched up against the entrance to a parking garage. He gave himself thirty seconds to groan while Jarvis rebooted systems and ran a hasty scan, then there was a Doombot looming over him.

'Johnny, you asshole,' Tony muttered, and fired a missile right into the bot's face. 'That earned you a fucking month on the couch.'

' _Iron Man!_ ' Steve's voice blasted over comms, exacerbating Tony's fresh headache. ' _Status!_ '

'Oh, I'm just peachy,' Tony clambered to his feet, grateful for the suit's weight and stability when his vision swam. 'Ooohh... OK, gimme a minute, I'll be airborne-'

' _Belay that,_ ,' Steve snapped. ' _SHIELD, do you have a medic near Iron Man?_ '

'Don't be stupid,' Tony snapped, firing the boots up and ignoring a few lingering black spots at the edges of his vision. Another bot had snuck around a few crushed Lexuses, and seemed to be creeping up on Reed. 'I'm fine, Cap. Besides, we're almost done here.'

' _All the more reason-_ ' Steve started, but Tony tuned him out in favour of chasing down the rogue Doombot. He tackled it into a stretch Hummer outside the Bank of New York and ripped an access panel open.

'Jarvis-' Tony grunted, batting the bot's hands away. The Doombot froze, and a fresh window opened on the HUD, scrolling through some depressingly pedestrian instructions to wreck up the joint as a distraction. Tony flicked back to the comms. 'Cap, this was a ruse to clear Victor's way to steal something out in... Jersey? Really? _Really?_ '

Tony heard Steve sigh, and he blasted a hole through the frozen bot. There looked to be only a handful of bots left when he checked; all of them well in the sights of an Avenger or one of the Four. Tony took himself over to Steve for his customary post-fight bitching-out.

Which would be doubly fun with this headache.

****

Tony stumbled a little as he touched down next to Steve, flipping his faceplate up to grin and wave at the cameras crowding against the police barriers. He slung an arm around Steve's shoulders, half turning to murmur 'Hey, can we save the yelling until we get home this time? I just-'

There was a rush of hot air and Johnny dropped to the pavement right in front of him, smiling sheepishly. Tony folded his arms and affected his dealing-with-the-Board expression.

'So...' Johnny started, rubbing a hand over the back of his head. Before he could get any further, there was a blur of movement in Tony's periphery, and Steve's fist connected with Johnny's cheek, the sound like a sledgehammer hitting a semi-innocent superhero.

Tony's mouth dropped open and he turned to stare at Steve, who was red faced and panting.

'What the _hell_?' he demanded, glancing down at Johnny to check on him. 'Steve, you-'

Steve glared at Tony, fiercely enough to shut him up, and strode towards the SHIELD jet ignoring the shouts from the crowd of reporters and fans.

'Are you OK?' Tony bent to give Johnny a hand to his feet, following Steve's lead with the media and half turning to mutter through his press-grin. 'Anything broken?'

Johnny prodded gingerly at his face, wincing, then shook his head. 'I think Darcy might kill all three of us, though.'

Tony groaned. 'OK, I'm officially tapping out of the clean up and media circus; headache. See you back at the tower?'

Johnny gave a half-grin, keeping his back to the cameras. 'Sorry about knocking you down.'

'And I will have an appropriately bitchy complaint to register once I've had a drink and half a dozen Advil,' Tony gave the crowd a friendly wave and shut the face plate. 'And forget the doghouse, you're in the _pound_ , mister.'

He took off rather more carefully than usual, and let Jarvis pilot him back to the Tower.

****

Tony let Jarvis strip him of the suit and decanted himself into a hot shower. He'd had enough concussions to be confident he didn't need medical attention, and he would really rather face Steve clean and in fresh clothes.

Johnny was perched on Tony's bed when he came out, forty minutes later.

'Pretty sure you could've changed before coming here,' Tony observed, dropping his towel and pulling on a ratty pair of sweats and an AC/DC shirt. 'Now I have to get the cleaning service to strip the bed again.'

Johnny glanced down, blinking at the sooty smear he'd left on the coverlet. 'Sorry. What with Sue and half of the reporters in the city screaming at me, I forgot. I was worried I'd really hurt you.'

'I'm _fine_ ,' Tony told Johnny's hangdog expression. 'Steve gives me worse in sparring all the time.'

Johnny's face scrunched up, but he didn't argue. 'If you say so. So you want me to lay low until Captain Pissy-pants cools off?'

'Oh no,' Tony grinned and pulled Johnny to his feet. 'I'm looking forward to the chewing out Steve'll give you. It'll be nice not being the target of one of his “I'm Very Disappointed In You” lectures for once.'

Johnny paled, but he squared his shoulders and followed Tony out into the common areas.

'Jarvis,' Tony called, detouring past the kitchen to get a bottle of water. 'Where's Steve lurking?'

'Right here,' Steve said from a foot behind Tony, because of course he thought Tony needed another shock. Tony jumped around, brandishing his water and glared at Steve.

' _What_ is with everyone in this house and trying to give me another cardiac event?!' he demanded, wincing when his own shouting set off another round of throbbing in his head. Tony clutched at his skull. 'Ow.'

Before he could pull himself together, Steve's huge hands were cupping the back of his head, and when Tony opened his eyes again all he could see was a sort of desperation on Steve's face, which was only about two inches from Tony's.

'I'm fine,' Tony murmured before Steve could go on a mother hen rant. 'Not concussed, I just rattled around the tin can a little too hard.'

Steve's thumbs were making soothing, distracting little circles against Tony's cheeks, and in a moment he was going to push Steve away. In a moment Steve was going to remember to start yelling. Just as soon as Tony caught his breath.

'So...' Johnny said from the doorway, arms folded across his chest and eyebrows climbing for his hair line. 'I should give you two an hour or two to work this tension out?'

Tony jerked back at the frankly Wolverine-style growl Steve let out, mouth dropping open in surprise. Steve blinked, looking shocked at himself before he took a step backwards and turned to face Johnny.

'Mr Storm,' Steve snapped, and wow. Tony hadn't heard that particular tone in Steve's voice for _years_. 'I understand that the Avengers and the Fantastic Four will need to work together in the future, and your relationship with Iron Man will if anything increase instances of our working together, but if you _ever_ show such sloppy, dangerous disregard for a member of my team again, I will take you to pieces with my bare hands.'

'Oh, come on,' Tony reached out for one of Steve's shoulders and completely failed to pull him back around. 'So I bounced off the pavement a few times, big deal. I don't even need to repair the armour; all that happened was some scratched paintwork.'

Steve turned to frown at Tony, one hand coming up to hover over Tony's cheek, then he took a hurried step back and strode away.

Tony stared after him until Jarvis announced that Darcy was headed up in the elevator, and he fled to his room to hide. After a moment's frantic pounding, he let Johnny in too, and hissed at Jarvis to pretend Tony was asleep.

'Very well, sir,' Jarvis dimmed the lights, ignoring Tony's complaint, continuing in a snotty tone: 'To complete the ruse.'

Tony glanced at the bed, glanced at Johnny's half smile, and thought about his day so far.

'Screw it,' Tony pulled the covers down and climbed in. 'I _am_ going to sleep.'

****

The next day Tony woke up stiff, bruised and achey. He rolled himself out of bed on the third try, abandoning Johnny's snoring in favour of the promise of coffee. The coffee maker gurgled happily at him and spat out a double espresso for him as he shuffled through the door.

'Baby, will you marry me?' Tony mumbled, stroking the coffee maker's casing and grinning when it beeped for him to replace his cup for a refill. 'That's my girl.'

'You made the front pages again,' Natasha said, fading into view on the other side of the breakfast bar, light glinting off a knife she was using to peel an apple. 'Darcy seemed put out.'

'Sweet Baby Jesus, why me?' Tony turned his gaze ceiling-ward, then leaned back against the bench. Natasha carved off a slice of apple and bit into it with an uncomfortable amount of unbroken eye contact. 'OK, Jarvis, bring up the usual suspects.'

The shot of Steve walloping Johnny popped up on each of the twenty news sites Jarvis brought up on the window. Tony scanned the headlines, and 'wait, _what_?'

Natasha hummed and gave Tony a quarter of a smile. 'You don't want to know what the Inquirer ran with.'

Since he was staring at 'Stark-Storm-Rogers Triangle' and 'Captain America's Traditional Values vs Team Irontorch' and 'Iron Man's Harem Growing' on the New York Times' website, Tony agreed. 'I knew I should've done the doorstop. God, why do those vultures make this shit up?'

Natasha gave him a long, steady look.

'What?' Tony hunched over his coffee. 'It's not my fault Steve gets overprotective of the team. What the hell was up with him yesterday, anyway? He's never cold-cocked Logan for accidentally taking someone out,' he squinted at Natasha. 'Does Steve have something personally against Johnny? Is that what this is about?'

One of Natasha's eyebrows made a minute twitch. 'Every day you prove a strange paradox,' she made the knife disappear with a flick of her wrist. 'At the same time you're a genius _and_ the most infuriating moron I've ever encountered.'

She vanished before Tony could get more than a vague protest out. Well, he still had the coffee maker. _It_ never insulted him mysteriously.

****

Sometimes the world seemed determined to make no sense at all. It was looking more and more like that sort of day with the increasingly-bizarre articles popping up on the newsfeed, so Tony retreated to his workshop with a fifth of whisky and the ridiculous cat-crap coffee Pepper had left in the back of one of the cupboards.

Two hours later, the coffee to whisky ratio had reached equilibrium and Tony had given up on real work to spend his time playing around with the Hot Rod's engine instead. He nodded along to Axl Rose howling Live and Let Die, breaking away from the fuel injection system to join in the guitar solo, strumming on a socket wrench when the music shut off.

'Hilariously embarrassing as this is,' Darcy stood in the doorway, arms folded and expression ferocious. 'I need to talk to you about yesterday.'

Tony tossed the socket wrench at a bench and stood up, brushing grease off his hands on a rag that had started life as a Hugo Boss suit jacket. 'Am I going to need a bodyguard? Jarvis, does she have her taser?'

'For once,' Darcy strode over, and Tony did not duck around to use the Hot Rod as a shield. 'The PR disaster isn't your fault. Except for how you didn't tell me about Steve being in love with you.'

'Uh,' Tony did take a step back this time. 'Did you drink the koolaid at the Inquirer? Any symptoms other than hallucinations?'

Darcy gave him a look that she _must've_ learnt from Natasha. 'I don't know why I'm surprised,' she muttered. 'Why are men so very stupid?'

Tony considered protesting, but Darcy looked like she was clinging to her temper by her fingernails. 'I really don't know what you're talking about, Darcy.'

'Oh my god!' she threw her hands in the air. 'I'm officially labelling this Ridiculous.'

She turned and stomped out. Tony stared after her for a few minutes, then sighed and packed his tools away. If he was going to be subjected to random attacks anyway, he might as well go where there were more targets to spread the fun around.

Also, he was out of whisky.


	8. Stark's Expanding Seraglio: Who'll Be Collected Next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter dedicated to Mirianna and Makairia who told me to do the thing, so I did it.

The atmosphere in the Tower was tense when Tony emerged into the team lounge, Johnny sprawled on the love seat and talking a little too loudly while Clint got himself soundly beaten on the PS3 by Natasha and Bruce scowled down at a tablet. Steve was a bundle of tension in the armchair furthest away from Johnny, arms folded and scowling at the TV.

'So-o-o-o...' Tony groped for an opening, but hell. He needed a drink. He went through to the kitchen and considered the liquor and the coffee machine. Being alert would _probably_ be the wiser option, but dammit, sobriety was overrated. Tony topped up his glass with some Black Douglas and went to perch on the arm of the love seat.

'How _are_ you?' Johnny tipped his head back against Tony's leg and fluttered his eyelashes up at him. 'Feeling recovered, _darling?_ '

'Yeah, OK,' Bruce stood up abruptly, dropping the tablet on the floor with a crack that had Tony leaning forward to try and assess the damage. Bruce widened his eyes at Tony, skin flushing an alarming green and he strode out of the room. The elevator dinged a few seconds later, with a reassuring absence of Hulk-ish destruction.

'Uh...' Tony turned a confused frown on Natasha, and she returned a blank pout, then slid gracefully to her feet. She closed her fingers around Clint's elbow and yanked him up as well.

Clint protested, looked at Natasha and then around the room and Tony watched with amusement as Clint's body language went deliberately and hilariously casual. 'Ah. That... thing we had. We should go... do it, right, Tash?'

Natasha levelled a stare at Tony, a clear invitation to say _anything_ in her eyes that Tony was way too smart to take her up on, _thank_ you very much.

When no one said anything, Natasha left, dragging Clint and sending speaking glances at Tony while he stared after them, gaping hugely. Maybe with the team disbanded the weird tension would dissipate? Tony considered the benefit of maybe getting Jarvis to provide an hourly update on whatever the hell was going on in the common areas when he was busy in his lab.

With just Steve, Johnny and Tony left the room seemed somehow even more crowded, and Tony groped fruitlessly for an explanation. Obviously something had happened, but he couldn't exactly ask Jarvis for the cliff notes in front of them...

'Is this something we can-' Tony started, but the other two ignored him.

'You don't need to be jealous, you know,' Johnny said, smirking and full of self-satisfaction. 'I'm _sure_ you have a chance when I'm out of the way.'

'What the _hell_ , Johnny?' Tony demanded. 'Steve, don't listen to him, I'm sorry-'

'Unless you wanna try a three-way?' Johnny shrugged Tony's hand off, sitting forward to grin maliciously across the room. 'Get a little excitement in your life; there's gotta be a question in your mind what it's like. You ever even fucked a guy? C'mon Cap, try the group discount?'

'Yeah, I'm tapping out,' Tony snapped, standing stiffly and stepping around the love seat. He'd deal with this some time after he'd been read in on what the hell it was had been going on by Jarvis or Natasha or maybe Darcy. 'Johnny, we're going to have to talk about this after I calm down. Steve, I'm sorry-'

'OK,' Steve said, staring at the carpet between his feet.

'Say _whaaaaaat?_ ' Johnny jerked forward, almost falling to the carpet and Tony spun around so quickly he had to grab a hold of the couch to keep from falling over.

'I said OK,' Steve repeated, folding his arms and glowering up at Johnny.

Tony blinked at him, then at Johnny, then at Steve again. 'Uh... did that mean something different in the 40s-'

'I want to have sex with you,' Steve said, face blanker even than Pepper's or Coulson's had ever managed to be. His gaze flicked across to Johnny briefly and Tony could see his jaw tighten. 'Both of you.'

Johnny raised his eyebrows at Tony, a grin tugging at the edges of his lips. Tony tried to claw his way back from the depths of staggered shock, but this was just too bizarre.

'Lead the way,' Johnny said, standing to bow and sweeping a hand towards Tony's bedroom door. Tony gaped down at Johnny, and Johnny dragged his hand along Tony's thigh and over his arse to push at the small of Tony's back. Tony let Johnny herd him towards the bedroom, too startled to protest. He was hyper aware of Steve following them, hardly able to credit the idea that this was reality.

The three of them filed into the bright, airy room, Tony bracketed by Steve and Johnny, and Steve closed the door behind them. Tony wandered closer to the bed, more from autopilot than any actual decision, but Johnny ducked around him, seized him by the hips and spun him to face Steve.

'Tony...' Steve breathed, and he crossed the short distance between them, hands coming up to bracket Tony's hips. His fingers tangled with Johnny's, and Tony was surprised to see Steve's eye's darken.

'Steve,' Tony gave his best reassuring smile, letting his hands stroke along Steve's arms in what he hoped were soothing brushes. 'You don't have to-'

Steve ducked forward, pressing Tony surprisingly firmly against Johnny as he licked into Tony's mouth. He tasted like cinnamon and sugar, and Tony was going to have to find whoever had hidden the cookies from him and... oh. Steve was quite unfairly good at this, Tony thought as he melted between the two muscled torsos. And Johnny didn't _need_ to be stroking quite so expertly along Tony's abdomen.

'Not _fair_ ,' Tony groaned, mock pouting as he pulled away. Steve's lips dragged down Tony's throat, so his protests shaded into inarticulate moans. He could feel Johnny's teeth grazing his earlobe, and one or both of them had hiked Tony's shirt up to his armpits. Tony undulated against Johnny and lifted his arms so Steve could divest him of his shirt. 'You should let me-'

'No,' Steve growled, raking his fingers along Tony's ribs and staring into Tony's eyes. ' _You're_ going to let _me_ -'

'And _me_ ,' Johnny put in, tweaking one of Tony's nipples lightly and thumbing Tony's pants open at the same time.

'- _us_ ,' Steve allowed with a growl. 'Take care of you.'

Well. Tony had never been one to look a porn horse in the mouth, so he relaxed completely. Let Johnny and Steve strip him completely and lay back on the sheets to watch enraptured as the two of them threw their clothes to the floor in a gratifying, ego-boosting hurry.

'I must've done something _monumental_ in a past life to deserve this,' Tony grinned as Johnny crawled towards him. Steve followed, already rock hard, trailing his lips along Tony's chest and trying to bat Johnny's hands away without any success. 'Come on, play nice.'

Steve and Johnny shared a glance over Tony's chest, and Tony could see Johnny's amusement and Steve's territorial aggression sparking in the air above him. Johnny grinned and eased back to let Steve blanket himself over Tony, every point of contact sparking like fireworks in Tony's brain.

'You really...?' Tony found himself saying, tracing the glorious line of Steve's deltoids with his fingers, an ecstatic grin forcing its way onto his face. 'Me...?'

'You,' Steve growled, voice Logan-deep and serious. He thrust his cock against Tony's hip, leaving a sticky trail and pressed his lips to Tony's. 'God, Tony,' he gasped between biting kisses. 'Been _so_ jealous... let me... please...'

'Yeah, OK boy scout,' Johnny interjected, and Tony arched towards Steve as strong hands pulled him away. 'We're sharing today, remember?'

Steve pushed against Tony briefly, just long enough to send a flare of excitement down Tony's spine at the knowledge that neither of them could stop Steve if he decided to disagree, then he eased back, rolled over to lie on his hip facing Johnny and Tony.

'How're we doing this?' Steve asked, and Tony thrust up as the two of them reached for his erection at the same time, huge hands tangling together before Steve's withdrew to slide towards Tony's balls. Tony spread his legs as wide as he could, hooking a knee over each of his partners' and threw his head back. If they were going to battle for dominance like this, Tony was more than OK with letting them duke it out.

'He's great with his mouth,' Johnny said with a leer. Steve growled again and Tony made a mental note to explore this dominance kink at length later. 'But share and share alike, right? _Even Stevens?_ '

This last had a mocking ring, but the way Johnny's hand darted over to start jerking at Steve's cock took any sting out of the words.

'He can take it?' Steve asked, fingers tightening on Tony's hip, and in any other situation Tony would be protesting having them talk about him like he wasn't there. Here and now, though? _More_ than acceptable.

'I think so,' Johnny rubbed a thigh against Tony's cock and nipped at Tony's jaw. 'You can take us both, can't you?'

Tony let out a low groan at the idea. It had been years, _decades_ even since he'd done this, but damn if it wasn't the hottest suggestion he'd ever heard.

'I can take it,' he said, and even Tony could hear how husky his voice had gone. 'God, yes. _Please_.'

Johnny chuckled and rolled Tony over onto Steve's chest. Tony grinned at Steve as Johnny pushed his legs wider open, laughing at the sensation of Johnny's familiar fingers tapping against his inner thigh. Tony arched his back further and dragged his teeth along Steve's carotid. He noted the flicking click of the lube opening, then Johnny's hot fingers coated in cool lube pressing at his hole.

'Oh God,' Steve's chest rumbled against Tony's as Tony scraped his nails against Steve's nipples. ' _Tony_.'

'Yeah, babe,' Tony tilted his hips to give Johnny more access and pressed his lips to Steve's. 'Lemme know how you like it. Wanna make it _so good_ for you...'

Steve just growled again and crushed Tony's lips to his while Johnny worked Tony open just quickly enough to give the experience a buzz of pleasure-pain.

'OK, Captain Tightpants,' Johnny said, a little breathlessly as he pulled his fingers out. 'Think you can keep a lid on it if you get inside him?'

'That's a little rich coming from _you_ ,' Tony laughed as the two of them hoisted him forward and Steve's cock pressed into him. 'Your pants are... _ooooh!_ '

'That's right,' Johnny smirked, pulling Tony's hips gently back until he was fully seated. 'No mouthing off while you're getting fucked.'

'Says who?' Tony managed, rocking his hips back and forth while he adjusted to Steve's cock. 'You could mouth off... unh... under wet concrete, so I don't see-'

Steve cupped a hand against Tony's mouth, thumb slipping under Tony's lip. 'Shh, Tony. _feel_ , don't quip.'

Before Tony could formulate a rebuttal, Johnny's freshly-lubed finger started rubbing at his hole. Tony draped himself forward, humming his pleasure as Johnny started working a finger into Tony alongside Steve.

'So _this_ is what it takes to shut you up, huh?' Johnny said with an audible grin. 'Gonna have to let Darcy know, assuming you keep her on as your PR gopher. You can keep me on speed dial, you know. Always happy to be of service.'

Tony could feel Steve's hand leave his waist and do something to Johnny, but frankly he didn't care what at the moment. Johnny made a strangled noise and a second finger pressed into Tony. For a while, Tony just rode the waves of sensation, the scrape of his cock against Steve's fabulous abs, the curl of Johnny's fingers, the heat of two superhuman bodies pressed against his own. Two fingers became three, and Tony couldn't take it any more.

'God dammit, Storm,' he gasped as Steve's cock pressed more firmly against his prostate. 'Get _on_ with it!'

'Ten-four,' Johnny said, and there was a blunt pressure against Tony's already-stretched hole. Steve swore, comprehensively and loudly; Tony was startled and gratified to see the sweat springing up across Steve's chest and he leant forward to lick a stripe along Steve's sternum. 'Ready or not, here I co- _ome_.'

All three of them exhaled sharply as Johnny slid into place beside Steve, and the next few minutes were taken up entirely with gasps and groans and muttered pleas. Tony gave himself over entirely to the riot of sensations as he got used to the press of two generous erections inside him.

'Getting,' Tony laughed, trying a few rocking motions back and forth. 'A little too old for this. Oh _yeah_.'

He could feel Johnny shifting behind him, and Steve pulled Tony down for another thorough kiss.

It was too intense to last for long. Tony shuddered as Johnny sped up and came in a huge, messy stripe along Steve's belly. Steve's hands tightened on Tony's waist as Johnny spilled into Tony and pulled out.

'Tony...' Steve said, voice strained and low, and Tony smiled down at him.

'Yeah, OK,' Tony let Steve tip him onto his back, going limp as Steve pulled Tony's leg over his shoulder and started thrusting in earnest. He pushed his fingers into Steve's sweaty hair, scraping his nails against Steve's scalp in gentle strokes as Steve's rhythm broke down and went erratic.

'Tony,' Steve whispered against Tony's neck as he stiffened. 'Oh my _God_ , Tony...'

Tony rubbed his palm along the line of Steve's spine, wincing as Steve pulled out, pressed a kiss to Tony's supra-sternal notch and rested his forehead on the arc reactor. Tony listened to Steve's breathing as it evened out and eased back towards the headboard a little so Steve's cheek rested against his stomach instead. Tony felt a happy thrum in his chest as Steve's arms tightened around him and he grinned up at the ceiling.

'Well,' Johnny said eventually, and Tony blinked at him, a little surprised he was still there. 'Hot as this is, I'm starting to feel like a third wheel.'

Steve made an assenting sound against Tony's stomach but didn't move. Tony grinned helplessly at Johnny. 'I'll see you around?'

Johnny waggled his eyebrows. 'Keep me in mind if you want some spicing up. I'm sure Darcy'll want to scream at both of us tomorrow, so you two better have your money's worth of fun tonight.'

'Oh Jesus Fucking Christ,' Tony groaned.

' _Language_ ,' Steve slapped him on the hip before dragging the sheet up to cover the two of them. 'Goodbye, Storm.'

'Later, Capsicle,' Johnny gave Tony a pair of finger guns and launched himself out the window. Tony smiled after Johnny's trail for a moment, then the past hour caught up with him.

'Oh my God,' Tony muttered to the ceiling as Steve started snoring. 'What the fuck just happened?!'


	9. Stark-Spangled-Flameout: What does this mean for the wedding of the year?

After a half hour of spinning his wheels, Tony had to get up. He slid out from under Steve, froze when Steve let out a snuffling protest, then pulled his boxers on.

He stared down, in a bit of shock at the sight of _Captain America_ in his bed. The ache in his arse was an incontrovertible reminder that yes, that had just happened. Tony hadn't been this flummoxed when the Chitauri had poured out of the portal over his living room.

It was a little chilly without Steve's body heat, so Tony grabbed a robe from the wardrobe and ducked into the bathroom.

'Jarvis,' he hissed, thumbing the monitor in the shower cubicle on. 'What the hell just happened?'

'I would have thought the experience was both memorable and self-explanatory, sir.'

Tony resisted the urge to thunk his head against the glass. 'Security review for Captain America and the Human Torch over the period post-battle to my return from the lab.'

Jarvis didn't respond, just brought up a four-way split screen of the lounge. Because he was Tony's best guy, Jarvis muted and subtitled so even Super Soldier hearing couldn't pick up on what Tony was doing.

The hardcoded timestamp put the video at mid afternoon yesterday. Steve was sitting on the couch, back ramrod straight as he stared at the TV...

'Fox News?' Tony groaned and gave in to the urge to smack his head on the glass a few times. 'Jarvis, do you gotta be debugged? Why'd you let him watch that?'

'Captain Rogers believed he needed to hear the worst that was being said after his display on Wall Street,' Jarvis sounded almost apologetic.

'You didn't-' Tony gasped, but Jarvis didn't let him finish.

'I felt Fox News was more than enough without troubling the Captain with the contents of internet message boards, sir.'

Well, that at least was something. Tony turned his attention back to Steve's rigid posture as rabid talking heads spewed vitriol and bigotry all over the studio. Jarvis had, wisely, not subtitled Ann Coulter and whatever she was screeching. Tony really couldn't face reading the contents of that woman's head at the moment.

'Whatcha watchin', Cap?' appeared on the bottom of the screen and Johnny sauntered into frame, threw himself down on the couch opposite Steve's and arched like a well-fucked stripper. 'Damn, you're really into this self-flagelation thing, arencha?'

On screen, Steve's tension ramped up even further and he gave a a curt order to shut the TV off.

'I think I made my opinion clear yesterday, Mr Storm,' Steve hardly moved as he spoke, gaze remaining locked on the now-dark screen. 'I think it would be best if you returned to your base until Tony's recovered.'

Tony restrained himself from burying his face in his hands when Johnny grinned, eyes hard and malicious. 'There's no need to go all _Catholic_ over this, Cap. You'll probably wind up with a higher approval rating now people have seen you thump a fag.'

'God dammit, Johnny,' Tony groaned. 'Why is he trying to pick a fight?'

Steve shot to his feet, settling into one of his many intimidating Captain America stances. 'I'm not going to stand for language like that, Storm. You need to go.'

Johnny folded his hands behind his head, settling deeper into the cushions. Something about the way he relaxed told Tony Johnny had been aiming for the nerve he'd hit. 'Like that is it? Does Tony know how you feel? Of course he does, he's a bright boy. Don't get your panties in a wad, Cap. I'm sure he'll give you a ride after we've cleared up this fake wedding B.S.'

Wow, Tony had known Johnny was reckless, but he hadn't realised the idiot was _suicidal_. Steve dived forward, tackling Johnny off the couch and pinning him on the floor.

'I _told_ you,' Steve... well, snarled was how Tony was imagining it coming out, easily knocking Johnny's sloppy punch away. 'I will not stand for your disregard of Tony's safety. I will not stand for your presence in this tower if you talk about him like that.'

Johnny bucked his hips, face twisting in anger, and Tony thumbed the display off. 'OK. It's more of the same the whole time, I'm guessing?'

'Indeed, sir,' Jarvis brought the lighting level up a few watts. 'The encounter devolved into blows and even more crass statements on Mr Storm's part, but Black Widow returned and separated the two men before either could do serious damage to each other or the tower.'

'Small mercies,' Tony muttered, then jumped as the bathroom door opened and Steve blinked down at him.

'What're you doing, Tony?' Steve hadn't bothered putting anything on, and Tony found his eyes drawn exactly where anyone would predict. 'Come back to bed.'

'Uh...' Tony said, because he was a certified genius with three solid decades' experience thinking on his feet.

Steve waited for a moment, then sighed. 'Tony...'

'Why'd you do it?' Tony blurted before he could stop himself. 'The three-way, not the punching. I get the punching, the punching is crystal clear-'

Steve tensed a little, unhappy lines drawing themselves on his face. 'At the time I thought it was the only chance I had with you.'

Tony was going to have to check Jarvis's environmental settings; he felt weirdly warm, but everyone knew Tony Stark did not blush.

'You thought-'

'I got myself twisted up a bit,' Steve interrupted. Normally that would get Tony snapping and snarling, but really. He needed a clear explanation way more than he needed to feel in control of the conversation. 'I thought you'd started falling for Johnny and maybe a fling with the two of you was going to be my last chance.'

Tony felt his mouth drop open. Captain America, the world's most perfect man had jumped into a menage á trois because...

'This is _not_ what I expected from you,' Tony managed, letting Steve pull him up from the cool tiles. 'You're supposed to be, I dunno, apple pie and dimples. Not freaky monkey sex at the drop of a hat.'

Steve gave Tony a scornful stare. 'Tony,' his fingers drifted from Tony's hand across to his waist. 'I was in the Howling Commandos. Before that I was a skinny, loud mouthed queer kid in Brooklyn in the 30s. I may not have _had_ much sex, but I'd seen plenty even before I woke up.'

Steve's hands were hot. They were like brands dragging along Tony's every nerve, revving him up again.

Tony shook himself, stepping back. 'But Johnny-'

Steve didn't misunderstand, his smile when he followed Tony further into the bathroom was more amused than anything. 'It's not happening again, but it was fun. If he hurts you again I really will kill him, but sex with Storm wasn't a hardship.'

Tony bumped against the $7000 German sink Pepper had insisted upon and wobbled. Steve closed the distance and put steadying hands on Tony's shoulders.

'I'm not going to pretend to be happy if you say you were just caught up in the endorphin rush,' Steve continued, hands stroking unfairly-distracting lines down Tony's biceps. 'I think you're just as besotted as I am, but if you need time I can give you that.'

Tony stared up into Steve's eyes. The fierce, possessive light there was a little unnerving.

'Uh...' Tony gave in and let his hands migrate to Steve's arse. 'No, time isn't necessary. I'm good, you're _great_ and Darcy is going to gut all three of us and hang our tanned hides on the side of the Tower as a warning to all who anger her, but this... this is good.'

Steve smirked and leaned forward, and Tony gave up on talking for the moment.

****

The maid service was going to have to burn the sheets, Tony thought after Steve had finally collapsed again. It was a good thing they were highly-paid, loyal Stark employees. And an even better thing that Tony had lost the last vestiges of his sense of shame about sex around 1990. He thought about getting up to swipe a wash cloth over himself, but super soldier sex was _exhausting_. He gave Jarvis the order to put maximum tint on the window and passed out.

****

Tony woke up to find Steve grinning down at him with a ridiculous, besotted expression on. Tony felt like he'd been hit by a runaway sex truck and _knew_ he looked like it, so Steve had to have it bad. As bad as Tony had it, with any luck.

'Hey, gorgeous,' Tony murmured, reaching up to brush his thumb across Steve's cheek. 'Sleep well?'

Steve dived forward to give Tony a series of close-mouthed kisses. 'Better than in a long time.'

Tony's hand drifted along the line of Steve's back and Steve made an interested sound, but Tony could feel the pull of dried spunk on his skin and taste his own morning breath. He rolled them over, pressed his lips against Steve's again and stood up.

'Where're you going?' Steve propped himself up on his elbows, adorably confused frown creasing his forehead.

'Shower,' Tony jerked a thumb towards the ensuite. 'Join me?'

Steve leapt out of the bed so fast even Super Soldier reflexes couldn't keep him from tripping over the sheets and falling to the floor. Tony spent about three seconds trying to hold it in, then he let loose with a howl of laughter that spiked into shrieks as Steve chased him into the stall. Jarvis had started the water, so the room was filled with glorious steam when Steve pressed Tony up against the wall and mock-glowered at him.

'No, no!' Tony gasped through his laugh. 'I give! It absolutely wasn't the funniest thing since Doom's Doombots malfunctioned and sprayed him with coolant in the middle of his rant!'

Steve made a low growling sound and pulled Tony under the spray, turned him so he was facing the wall and growled 'brace your hands, Tony.'

Tony shuddered at the note in Steve's voice and dutifully placed his hands at shoulder height and leaned forward. There was a long moment when Steve was just a heavy presence behind him, drawing the tension out until Tony actually jumped when a hand stroked down his spine. Steve repeated the slow, firm caress twice, then Tony heard the cap of a bottle flipping open. He canted his hips back, but instead of the slick pressure against his arse, Steve's fingers started working shampoo into Tony's hair.

'Oh god...' Tony groaned, leaning back into the massage. 'Never stop. _Marry_ me.'

Steve leaned against Tony's back, just enough pressure to show his arousal before he tugged Tony back under the spray to rinse the suds from his hair. 'I suppose that's _one_ way to rescue Darcy's opinion of us.'

'Huh?' Tony tried to turn to kiss Steve, to lick at the inevitable trails of water running down his perfect pecs, but Steve's grip was unassailable. 'Oh Jesus, Steve...'

Steve chuckled and swiped a pleasantly-rough soapy clothe across Tony's shoulders and around to his chest. He swiped meticulously across every inch of Tony's torso, stopping teasingly just above Tony's raging erection until Tony was bucking into empty air and begging shamelessly.

'OK,' and Tony was pretty stoked at how wrecked Steve sounded too; proof that he wasn't alone in the haze of desperate arousal. 'You're clean. Turn around.'

Tony turned, collapsing back into the cool tiles, but Steve wasn't there to kiss. He had a moment of horny confusion before he registered Steve's face at cock height just before Captain America's lips closed around his erection.

'Oh my _god!_ ' Tony thrust forward before he could help it, but Steve's huge hands came up to press his hips against the wall. 'Jesus, fuck! _Steve!_ '

Steve hollowed his cheeks, eyes crinkling with amused pleasure as he worked Tony through an embarrassingly quick orgasm. He sat back on his heels to jerk Tony through the last of it, the shower spray washing Tony's jizz off Steve's chest and face and down the drain as Tony watched. He'd have to do that some time when they weren't in the shower, Tony thought; marking Steve would be epically hot. He let Steve hold him up while he caught his breath, then ran a foot over Steve's weeping cock.

'You want-?' he started, but Steve surged to his feet and stuck his tongue down Tony's throat before he could get the offer out.

Not one to leave a lover hanging, Tony wrapped a leg around Steve's waist and a hand around his cock as they made out under his endless supply of hot water.

'Tonyyyy...' Steve groaned, then he jerked half a dozen times against Tony's hip before leaning forward with a satisfied sigh.

Tony let his hand gentle, working Steve through the aftershocks, then moving to stroke down the planes of muscle along Steve's back. Steve nuzzled at Tony's neck for a few minutes while Tony's cock valiantly tried for another round, then he eased back and reached for the soap.

'Hey,' Tony grinned, prying the soap out of Steve's hands and urging him to swap places. 'You good?'

Steve gave Tony a dopey grin and let himself get cleaned up, loose with post-orgasmic endorphins. 'Could take on the world.'

****

The common areas were suspiciously quiet when Tony and Steve headed out to the kitchen to make themselves a carb-laden breakfast. Tony considered being peeved at what was probably Jarvis's shameful gossipmongering, but the privacy was actually welcome, so he limited himself to a glare at the camera in the corner before he started rootling around for pancake mix.

The fiasco with the three-hour omelette had inspired Tony to enlist Gordon Ramsay to give him a crash course in Feeding Significant Others, so he flapped his hands at Steve until he relocated to the stools on the other side of the bench and got down to mixing and frying. The pancakes maybe turned out a little uneven, but they were roughly the same size and none of them inedibly raw or burnt so it was with a triumphant pride that Tony set the massive stack on the bench. He smacked Steve's hand when it reached for the plate and turned to make the most important part of any meal.

'I will _kill_ all three of you.'

Tony startled back from the coffee maker and whirled to face the lift. Darcy was red-faced and her chest was heaving in a way that would have been very distracting under other circumstances. She was brandishing a Starkpad and couldn't seem to decide which one of them to glare at.

'Darce,' he tried a pacifying grin. 'Darling, I-'

Darcy hurled the Starkpad at him and stormed back into the car That Traitor Jarvis had kept open for her. The doors swished closed rather more quickly than usual. Tony placed the Starkpad on the bench without looking at its display; there would be time for that humiliation and drama after breakfast.

'That... could've gone better,' he sighed.

Steve callously stole the whole stack of pancakes and started digging in. 'It _did_ go better, Tony,' he said around a syrupy mouthful. ' _I_ was expecting her to shoot us.'


	10. The Shocking Truth About IronShield's Love Story P5; Human Torch's Broken Heart In His Own Words P23

If Tony had had his way, he and Steve would've snuck into the Quinjet and headed off to the Savage Land for a few months until Namor caused another international incident in his perpetual quest for bagels. Or the X-Men had another battle in the middle of Fifth Avenue. _Something_ that would redirect the J Jonah Jameson rats to another scandal. 

'C'mon Steve,' he tried, leaning back and digging his heels into the carpet. 'Five minutes and we can be airborne. Widow'll cover us!' 

Steve shot Tony an amused glare. 'Do we know the same Widow? She'll have us both tranq'd and indecently posed before you make the roof.' 

' _Artfully_ posed, thank you,' Natasha said from right behind Tony's shoulder. 'I wouldn't be so crude.' 

Tony considered shrieking but really, it was almost old hat to be creeped-at from behind by his stupid spy-trained team mates and anyway, the ravening hordes outside were far more distressing than Natasha and her neck-stabbing ninjaness. 

'Why are all the women in my life conspiring against me?' Tony whined at Steve's beautifully-pressed linen shirt. 

'Not true, Tony,' Steve patted him on the shoulder. 'It's most of the men in your life too.' 

Tony gave him a betrayed pout, but let Steve pull him to the door before he made a serious effort and pulled up short. 'Steve, _you_ don't need to do this.' 

Steve's left eyebrow shot up. 'Have you got an alternative other than running away to Bermuda for a year? _Which_ , Tony, would not work. The press have access to planes too.' 

'Shitty commercial planes,' Tony scoffed. 'And yes. I could go out, make yet another spectacle of myself and you could keep flying mostly under the paps' radar. Apart from Avengers business and all those times someone's managed to track your oh-so-stealthy butt down when you go out in civvies.' 

It wouldn't sway Steve, of course, but Tony really wished he could have found a way to throw this press conference while Steve was in the gym or somewhere. Five minutes alone with the harpies and he'd have the story back to **Arsehole Billionaire Screws Up By Screwing Around** like it should be. Steve didn't deserve the sort of vitriol coming out was going to bring, and Tony was more than tough enough to weather the worst they could throw at him. 

'Uh huh,' Steve leaned in to brush his lips over Tony's. 'Because I'm so good at keeping my trap shut. Because I'd ever even want to hide who I love because it was “easier”.' 

Tony couldn't help the smile Steve's certainty prompted. He linked their fingers, gave Steve a return peck and threw the door wide. 

**** 

_**Eighteen Months Later** _

'Is there even a term for “Lesbian of Groom 1”?' Ellen opened with when Tony picked his phone up. 'I could walk you down the aisle to _Gangnam Style_ instead; that'd be a crowd pleaser.' 

Tony groaned. 'Do I really need to help with the wedding stuff? Isn't that what overpaid consultants are for?' 

Ellen laughed, and the sound of it calmed something in Tony that had been, despite his best efforts, going a little wild-eyed since the wedding planning had started. 'Well, if you _want_ to leave everything to me, I'm sure Twitter can help me with ideas for the world's first gay superhero wedding.' 

'We'd have been the world's first superhero wedding of any orientation if that arsehole Hank had kept failing to see Jan's many charms,' Tony muttered. 

'Forgetting the Richardses, are you?' Ellen asked. 'Now _that_ was a media storm.' 

'Heh, ”Storm”,' Tony snickered. 'And Richards doesn't count. He's a super creep.' 

'But seriously,' Ellen said. 'Who's organising this shindig? Because I have _many_ suggestions I wanna get in on the ground floor with-' 

' _TalktoSteve_ ,' Tony managed through his sudden attack of nerves. ' _OKgottagobye!_ ' 

He flicked his phone off and flopped back on the couch to stare at the ceiling. 'Why couldn't we just elope?' 

'Because I want to celebrate with our friends?' Steve said from the doorway. 'And you _love_ parties; what's wrong with this one?' 

Tony rolled over to glare at his fiance. 'I love _crashing_ parties. Organising them is like dragging handfuls of ground glass over my skin. Can't we just make Pepper organise everything?' 

Steve gave him an unimpressed look and crossed the room to drop onto the couch by Tony's head. 'Pepper has far more important things to be doing than that. Don't you want to get to say how we get married?' 

Tony wriggled around so his head could rest on Steve's thigh and sighed. 'Friends there, you there, alcohol and cake. Does it have to be more fancy than that?' 

Steve's hand brushed down Tony's biceps and over his back. 'Fancier, no, but I think we owe it to our friends to put some thought into it. Who's going to perform the ceremony, for starters?' 

'Ah!' Thor appeared in the doorway, beaming and brandishing a piece of paper. 'My friends! How fortuitous you are discussing your handfasting! I have fine news which toucheth on this very subject!' 

'Cool,' Tony tipped his head on Steve's thigh so Thor was upside-down. 'Hit me.' 

Instead of replying (or, as he would have done in the past, actually hitting Tony), Thor strode across the room to present Steve with his bit of paper. 

Steve took it with a grin, then blinked. 'You're a marriage celebrant?' 

'Aye!' Thor threw his arms wide and a suspiciously-convenient beam of sunshine chose that moment to burst through the cloud cover to shine through the window behind him. 'Fear not, my friends, while I am only newly-charged with this duty I have attended a great many handfastings and am soundly accounted a good omen by the couples and revelers alike! How much better an omen when I perform the fasting?!' 

Tony raised his eyebrows at Steve. 'I'm sold. Never turn down an ominous god, my father always said.' 

Steve snorted. '”Never turn down a chance to show off” sounds more Howard's style. But yes, Thor. We'd be honoured.' 

'I shall not let you down!' Thor raised a fist. 'Now I needs must return to Asgard to procure the bridal ale and feast mead! Rarely does a match of such mighty warriors take place; it will take time to prepare sufficient quantities! 

Tony brightened up at that announcement, but Thor was already gone. 

'Well,' he smiled up at Steve. 'Wedding shit stands at one down, a bunch to go.' 

**** 

Tony was taking a well-deserved break in his workshop three weeks later, when Jarvis interrupted him. 

'Sir, am I permitted to allow Namor entrance, or would you prefer to repair the wall after he breaks it down?' 

Tony shut the acetylene torch off and swivelled his chair towards the entrance. 'Allow away, J.' 

Namor strode through the workshop in his usual tiny green speedo, not even looking at all Tony's fantastic toys. Well, Tony thought, Fishman McSquidbits probably only recognised tech when it was made of coral and shit. 

'Stark,' he stopped two metres away and folded his arms. 'I have come to declare my intention to stand by you at the ceremony.' 

'Huh?' Tony flicked a glance at one of the monitors to check the time. He didn't _think_ he'd been pushing through long enough for hallucinations to kick in, but you never knew. 

'Your term for it is “best man”, I believe,' Namor continued, looking well past done with everything on land. 'But no one I questioned would tell me what manner of challenges are traditional to be faced by the best man.' 

'Ugly bridesmaids, mostly,' Tony said before he could stop himself. 'Uh, that is, no challen-' 

He froze. If Thor was conducting the ceremony, it was entirely possible (more than likely, really) that challenges and danger would be part and parcel. Tony drummed his fingers on his Avengers comm card, but Thor was still in Asgard and well out of range for Tony to put the kibosh on gladiatorial festivities. Although an oiled-up Namor fighting whatever Thor came up with _would_ be entertaining. 

'Fine,' Namor waved a hand. 'Whatever it is, the King of Atlantis is more than equal to the task. But I need you to tell me what sort and colour scheme of suit is required. The tailoring will have to be done from scratch and will take time.' 

'Uh...' Tony blinked, then JARVIS was pulling up several dozen layers of holograms between Tony and Namor. 'Hey. There you go!' 

Through the bright display of shirt styles and pant cuffs, Tony could just see Namor's scowl twist into something grudgingly appreciative. 

'Your stylist has better taste than I expected from a human,' Namor allowed, running a hand down the crisp line of an oxford collar. 'I shall return for the rehearsal dinner.' 

'Great,' Tony waited until Namor had swept out (how exactly, he wondered, was it possible to sweep when naked but for a speedo?), then he turned to the nearest camera to give JARVIS a thoughtful frown. 'What just happened?' 

**** 

It wasn't that Tony didn't want to marry Steve; of course not! But weddings were and always had been nightmares of five hundred different things that apparently needed to be perfect and the ever-present press coverage. 

There was also, unfortunately, the added nuisance of the tin hat Iron Torch Crusaders. The protests were weird and irritating, the repeated attempts to hack JARVIS annoying, and the Twitter campaign was maddening. Tony had blocked so many people he felt like he should be named Honorary Defence for the Giants.

It didn't seem to matter how many interviews the three of them gave, jointly and separately, the dedicated group of people were even more convinced of Tony and Johnny's enduring love than the Westboro Baptist douchebags were of Tony's immorality. 

Tony signed off his fifth attempt at a restraining order and dived back into tweaking War Machine's HUD so Rhodey could get internet porn access in transit. Automatically. 

Not something Rhodey had asked for, but since Tony had been banned from getting strippers at his bachelor party he figured someone ought to pay. 

**** 

Tony very nearly succeeded in slipping past the dreaded W-Day by holing up in his workshop and programming a new level of lockdown that even Pepper's access code couldn't get through, but it turned out JARVIS had a soft spot for Steve. 

'OK,' Steve said from the doorway and all of Tony's displays shut down. 'Time to tie the knot!' 

Tony blew a sharp breath out his nostrils and dropped his stylus on the bench. 'It's not too late to book it to Vanuatu, you know.' 

'Shower,' Steve said, hands closing on Tony's waist to lift him out of the chair. 'Suit. Wedding with our friends. Then we've got an entire week without distractions.' 

'I'll blow you!' Tony mock-struggled as Steve pushed him towards the elevator. 'We'll lock ourselves in here until everyone gets bored, and I'll spend the whole time blowing you!' 

'You'll spend all night blowing me anyway,' Steve said, grinning as he pressed a kiss to the side of Tony's neck. 'But you'll be doing it as my husband. No more living in sin, Tony Stark.' 

'Well...' Tony gave up the pretend fight and let Steve press him into the wall of the elevator. 'When you put it that way...' 

They parted ways at the penthouse, though Tony tried his damndest to keep hold of Steve's arse as Pepper and Rhodey dragged him towards his office. Steve laughed at him and followed Natasha and Sam into the bedroom with about a million times more dignity. 

'A million times zero is still zero,' Rhodey said, cruel, vicious traitor. 'Steve's just got the regular adult serve of dignity.' 

Jan had gotten a manic gleam and forbidden Tony from going to anyone else for his suit. He hadn't paid much attention during the fittings, spending the enforced standing-still-time using his StarkGlasses to skip through all the tedious paperwork he still had to do in his capacity as Head of R&D. But now, faced with the clean lines and exciting cut of what Jan had come up with, Tony couldn't help but laugh delightedly. The suit was made of rough silk, dark gold shading to crimson depending on the angle of light. The shirt was inky black and feather light, buttons made from what seemed to be brushed tungsten. The whole ensemble had a lush, rich sheen that was 110% Tony's style. 

'No tie?' Tony ran a finger down the outside seam of the pant leg. 'No cummberbund? Jan's letting her standards slip.' 

'Well she _did_ agree to let her designs be associated with you,' Pepper said, shoving Tony towards his bathroom. 'It's Summer in New York, Tony. We didn't want you fainting from the heat.' 

'I do _not_ faint,' Tony dug his heels in hard enough to make Rhodey roll his eyes and hoist him over a shoulder. 'And ties are multi-purpose-' 

'Nope!' Rhodey took thee three steps necessary to get Tony to the bathroom. 'I am _not listening_ to the kinky shit you're gonna be doing with a national icon later tonight.' 

'Oh, so you want to hear about the kinky shit we _already did_ , is that it?' Tony shouted, most of his threat bouncing off the inside of his bathroom door as Rhodey sang a Spice Girls song loud and more on-key than the original to drown him out. 

Tony beamed at the door, utterly consumed with fondness for the people in his life. 

'Sir,' JARVIS prompted, and the shower started up. 'You wouldn't wish to be overly late to your nuptials, I'm sure.' 

Tony let out a startled laugh and shucked his sweaty, greasy clothes. 

**** 

On Ellen's suggestion, the rooftop ceremony had been laid out with two aisles leading through the thronged seats for friends, family and fellow superheroes. Rather than the traditional straight line, both aisles meandered organically, occasionally crossing before leading to the five steps up to Thor's platform. The barbecue had been temporarily dismantled and rebuilt into the platform; no one being willing to trust a standard wooden one to hold up to Thor _and_ Steve's combined weight. 

Standing behind the diaphanous curtains of the tent he'd been instructed to hide in until summoned, Tony shifted his weight and tried to convince himself he was calm and collected. The roof of Avengers Tower was alive with the hubbub of a hundred people as Darcy and the Baby Avengers seated the guests. 

Tony let the curtain fall back into place and paced a quick figure of eight around the tent. He wished he had time to go find a drink, but Clint was on Tony-sitting duty and he absolutely _would_ shoot Tony with itching powder or truth serum or something if Tony tried to sneak off. 

'Y-y-y-yup,' Clint said, smirking without opening his eyes from his perch on the edge of the roof. 'Got some _wonderful_ new shit from SHIELD interrogation 'specially for you.' 

'The day after my honeymoon's over,' Tony narrowed his eyes at Clint. 'I'm hacking SHIELD until I find the proof they engineered you creeps to have telepathy.' 

'Sure,' Clint grinned, still not bothering to open his eyes. 'You try that and see what Nicky-boy has me do to you.' 

Before Tony could launch into a monologue about the _many_ things Clint doubtlessly wanted to do to him, Ellen whipped the curtains aside and struck a pose. 

'Anthony Edward Stark!' she threw her arms open, blazingly-white tuxedo shining in the midmorning light. 'You ready to get hitched?!' 

Tony blinked, the reality of the day driving home at last. He'd been so focussed on the drama around the event, he'd almost forgotten the point of the day: joining his life with Steve's in front of their friends and family. 

'Yes,' he smiled and hooked his arm through Ellen's. 'Gagging for it, in fact.' 

**** 

It wasn't quite that simple; a formal affair of this scale had a schedule that was not to be ignored. Tony hovered, arm-in-arm with Ellen, as the last of the guests took their seats and the babble of voices trailed away in anticipation. 

The first notes rang out, a slow, distorted beat Tony didn't recognise. It definitely wasn't the usual bridal march, to Tony's great relief, but the hypnotic beat _was_ vaguely familiar. He slanted a glance at Ellen, but she was tapping her foot and obviously waiting for a cue. 

The beat got louder outside and someone in the audience burst out laughing right before a voice cut in with ' _ **OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!**_ ' 

'You didn't,' Tony turned to Ellen, admiration and horrified amusement warring for dominance. 

'I absolutely _did_ ,' Ellen grinned back, then dropped into a crouch and herded Tony down the aisle. 

Tony, never one to stand on his dignity when there was an impression to be made, dropped into a matching crouch and danced down the aisle, whipping an imaginary lasso over his head and laughing the whole way. On the opposite end of the roof, he could see Steve come out of his own tent, a flash of navy and sunlight before he too joined in the ridiculous procession. Barnes squinted around the crowd and stomped behind Steve, steps matching the beat but not joining in with the dance. Probably a good thing, Tony thought as he and Steve crossed paths, circling each other once before continuing through their assembled and cheering friends. The thought of the Winter Soldier Gangnam Styling his way across a Manhattan rooftop would probably break everyone's brains. 

Tony was weak with laughter by the time the song wound down and he skidded to a stop beside Rhodey and Namor. They were matchingly jaw-dropping in watered silk suits, the blue-green undertones of the cloth a wonderful backdrop to Tony's Iron Man theme. He grinned at them, then turned to whisk Ellen in a quick two-step as the last notes of the song rung out. 

She raised a hand to twirl Tony, then retreated to sit beside Portia in the front row. Steve came to a stop by his side, damn super lungs meaning he wasn't even breathing hard, and Barnes melted away to the back of the crowd. Tony watched the disappointment flash over Steve's face, but Barnes raised a hand and stayed in plain sight. Tony took Steve's hand and gave it a squeeze; he knew from trauma and Barnes _was_ making leaps and bounds towards recovering. Steve gave Tony a quick smile and a return squeeze, then they pivoted to face the empty altar. 

' **FRIENDS!** ' Thor bellowed from above, and everyone tipped their heads back in synch to watch him drift down onto the altar from a height that must've had the FAA pitching screaming fits. ' **BROTHERS, SISTERS AND FELLOW WARRIORS! WELCOME!** ' 

Thor, when he settled back under gravity's nominally-universal sway, grinned at Tony and Steve and produced a bright white silk cord. 

'Wha-' Tony started, but Steve and Rhodey both shushed him. 

'If you'd come to the rehearsal or _any_ of the planning,' Rhodey hissed. 'You'd know what's going on.' 

Tony conceded the point and didn't resist as Steve raised their joined hands towards Thor. Thor draped the cord over their joined wrists, then raised his head again. 

' **THESE TWO HEROES CHOOSE TO BIND THEIR LIVES AS THIS ROPE BINDS THEIR WRISTS,** ' Thor gave a sweeping gesture and Rhodey stepped forward, joined by Natasha from Steve's pair of co-best-men. Together, they looped the cord around Steve and Tony's wrists, twisting the ends in what quickly became a fascinating pattern tethering Tony to Steve from knuckles to elbow. 

' **THEY TRADE THE SWORDS OF THEIR HOUSES INTO EACH OTHER'S SAFEKEEPING; TO BE USED IN DEFENCE OF HEARTH AND HOME AND PASSED IN TRUST TO THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN.** ' 

Tony raised his eyebrows at Rhodey, but this time it was Namor stepping forward. He lifted the Mark 98's only-just-completed helmet and presented it to Steve. While Tony was gaping, Sam nudged his foot against Tony's to get his attention and held out Steve's shield. Numbly, Tony held out his free arm and let Sam slip one of Steve's hypermagnetised gauntlets over his wrist so the shield was secure. 

Tony let himself feel a little fanboy thrill at actually holding _the_ shield. Beside him, Steve was cradling the helmet under his arm with equal reverence but none of the glee Tony was feeling. 

' **ANTHONY EDWARD STARK,** ' Thor boomed, startling Tony into bringing his attention back where it ought to be. ' **SON OF HOWARD AND MARIA, DOST THOU SWEAR TO LOVE AND CHERISH STEVEN ROGERS UNTIL THE STARS DIE? TO AID HIM AND COMFORT HIM IN TIMES OF STRIFE, AND TO CELEBRATE ALONGSIDE HIM IN TIMES OF JOY?** ' 

'I do,' Tony said, beaming up into Steve's flushed and happy face. 'I really, _really_ do.' 

' **AND THOU, STEVEN GRANT ROGERS,** ' Thor continued. ' **SON OF SARAH AND JOSEPH, DOST THOU SWEAR TO LOVE AND CHERISH ANTHONY STARK UNTIL THE STARS DIE? TO AID HIM AND COMFORT HIM IN TIMES OF STRIFE, AND TO CELEBRATE ALONGSIDE HIM IN TIMES OF JOY?** ' 

'I do,' Steve seemed to shine as he spoke. Tony felt his heart skip despite the reactor. Perfect, beautiful Steve had just married him. 

' **I CALL UPON THE FRIENDS HERE ASSEMBLED AND THE GODS ABOVE TO BEAR WITNESS TO THE JOINING OF THE HOUSES OF STARK AND OF ROGERS,** ' Thor raised his fist and there was a cracking roll of thunder despite the clear skies. 

Sam stepped forward again to press the rings into Steve and Tony's free hands and take the helmet and the shield. Tony resisted for a moment; every nerdy, hero-worshiping fibre rebelling at the idea of letting the shield go until Steve brushed his free thumb along Tony's free wrist. Tony let Sam retreat with the weapons and closed his fingers around the ring he was about to give his husband. 

Thor beamed at them and threw his arms open. ' **WITH THE EXCHANGE OF THESE RINGS THE CONTRACT IS SEALED. WHAT THOR HAS JOINED, NO ONE MAY PUT ASUNDER.** ' 

Tony rolled the ring in his fingers, concentrating on its warm weight. Twisting a little because of the way they were lashed together, he slipped it onto Steve's ring finger. 'Steve. I'm gonna spend my life making you happy.' 

There was a suspiciously-masculine sob from the crowd, tone and position leading Tony to believe it had been _Fury_. Tony tried to swivel to start the mocking, but Steve tightened his fingers around Tony's, locking him in place. Tony put up a token fight for his reputation's sake, but let Steve pull him back into place without protest. 

'Tony,' Steve held up _his_ ring. 'For better or worse, we're in this together. I love you.' 

Tony didn't even wait for Steve to finish sliding the ring past his knuckle before he wrapped his free, now-ringed hand around the back of Steve's neck and dragged him into their first kiss as husbands. 

' **AND NOW, FRIENDS, THE BRIDE-RUNNING!** ' 

Tony pulled away, confused, but Thor had leapt off the stage and was charging towards the staircase. Natasha, Sam, Rhodey and Namor took off after him, vicious elbows and fists flying like something out of Tony's hazy undergraduate memories. Tony watched in horrified fascination as the assembled guests joined in fierce and indiscriminate battle for the stairs. 

Tony watched, half-aroused and half-horrified as She Hulk grabbed Namor by the hair and heaved him away from the door. 'What is going on?' 

'I _tried_ to get you involved in the planning,' Steve murmured, pressing his lips to the corner of Tony's jaw. 'Thor had some strong opinions about wedding traditions.' 

There was the sadly-familiar sound of reinforced concrete being torn loose. Tony was vaguely aware of Spider-man apologising for not realising his own strength, but Steve was a solid warm presence pressed into his front and they _had_ just gotten hitched... 

'Yeah?' Steve grinned, rocking his hips into Tony's. He was rock hard and already leaking through his bespoke pants, which was a thought that was going to keep Tony going for approximately forever. 

' _Fuck_ yeah,' Tony panted, already groping in his and Steve's pockets for something to cut the rope free. 

'Here,' Steve fished one of Tony's multitools out from his waistcoat. 'You _really_ should've listened to some of the planning, Tony.' 

'Shut up and fuck me,' Tony set his teeth into the tendon of Steve's throat as Steve sawed away at the rope. The first few strands parted reluctantly, then Steve swore and twisted the blade to yank it through the knot. 'Oh, well done, Alexander.' 

Steve threw the multitool at the altar and pulled the loose tangle down and away. The ropes had been tight enough to leave their imprint when Tony pushed their sleeves up to check; white and pink indentations on Steve's arm mirrored a little darker on Tony's. Tony ran a finger along one of the lines, pressing a little harder when Steve shuddered and fumbled for Tony's flies. 

'Come on,' Steve dragged Tony's hand to his crotch before getting in his own way trying to palm Tony and undo his pants at the same time. 'Come on, Tony, get your head in the game.' 

Tony slid his fingers over Steve, relishing the breathy grunts as he teased him. Steve's cock twitched behind the slick material of his pants, too tempting to keep playing. With a well-practiced flick of his thumb, Tony opened Steve's pants and shoved a greedy hand inside. 

No matter if he lived to be a hundred and thirty (unlikely, Tony knew, that he'd see the other side of forty in this line of work), Tony was never going to get tired of Steve's face when Tony wrapped his finger around his cock. 

' _Tony_...' Steve hissed through his teeth and bucked his hips. 'God, yes!' 

Finally, Steve got Tony's pants open too, and he pulled Tony's cock out. Tony bit his lip at the heat and tender pressure, pressed closer to rut against Steve and groaned as Steve slid his other hand down the back of Tony's pants and pressed a finger against Tony's hole. 

'I'm gonna ride you all night,' Tony gasped and rocked between the maddeningly-light pressure of Steve's finger and his hot thigh. 'I'll rim you until you scream, then I'll fuck myself on my fingers until you're ready and-' 

Steve groaned and painted Tony's stomach and shirt with a hot mess of jizz. He heaved Tony closer and gave him a fierce and possessive kiss, finger still circling until Tony started twitching, then he pressed inside and Tony bucked and came. 

'Well,' Tony laughed as he and Steve traded light pecks, breathing returning to normal. 'Jan's gonna kill us.' 

Steve ran a hand along Tony's back and hummed. 'I think she'll let this one slide. She had to know I wasn't gonna be able to resist you in this suit for long.' 

Tony grinned. 'We gonna make it to the bedroom for round two, husband mine? Or should we give the paps with telephoto lenses even more of a show?' 

Steve shot an irritated glance around at the surrounding rooftops, but he shook his head. 'Clean up, but we have to get down to the reception. We haven't even signed the certificate yet.' 

'I suppose you're right,' Tony pressed a final kiss to his husband's lips, then he hiked his pants back up and they headed for the elevator. 

'Might I be the first to offer my congratulations, sirs?' JARVIS greeted them with as the doors opened. 'And Ms Potts laid out a change of clothes for each of you in the master bedroom, and the guests are entertaining themselves arguing with Thor about the race. I would estimate you have ten minutes before you are missed.' 

'Thank you, J!' Tony wrapped his arms around Steve and pressed him against the wall. 'Ten whole minutes, huh?' 

'Shower, Tony,' Steve said, mock-stern. 'And we'll have to share, since we're in a hurry.' 

'Oh _no_ ,' Tony leaned in to kiss Steve's fake scowl. 'What a trial.' 

**** 

Nine minutes and forty seconds later, Steve and Tony made their flushed and grinning entrance to the reception. The common floor (co-opted for this purpose for twin reasons of laziness and security) was jam packed with guests and buffet tables. A little more jammed around Thor, perhaps; his golden retriever head sticking up in the middle of a sea of jokingly-angry and actually-drunk heroes. 

' **FRIENDS!** ' Thor raised a large and overflowing glass of something. ' **THY DALLIANCE HAST COST THEE VICTORY. THE MIGHTY THOR HAS NOW BEEN THE VICTORIOUS BRIDE AT SEVEN HUNDRED AND EIGHTY- _SIX_ WEDDINGS!** ' 

'You what now?' Tony blinked, accepting a glass of something golden from Rhodey. 

'Apparently,' Rhodey grinned. 'The bride is the person who wins the bride-running. So _you two_ handicapped yourselves pretty hard by going off to be cartoon newlyweds and _both_ of you lost the chance to be bride at your own wedding.' 

‘What a shame,’ Steve said. ‘Still, Thor’ll probably suit a white dress better than either of us.’

‘ _Tell_ me Jan heard about the thing and made a floofy gown,’ Tony flailed at Rhodey. ‘ _Tell me_ Thor in poofy white satin is gonna be in my wedding photos and I’ll die happy.’

Rhodey gave Tony a mock-apologetic frown and clapped him on the shoulder. ‘You’re gonna have to commission that shit yourself, Stark.’

Tony heaved a theatrical sigh. ‘What a waste of a day. All I got is a husband I love and no cross-dressing gods.’

Steve jabbed a finger into Tony’s side, aloof veneer over a grin that kept breaking through. ‘I remind you we _still_ haven’t signed the certificate, Tony. I could still change my mind and run off with Sam.’

Laughing, Tony pawed at Steve. ‘No! No backsies, Steve! Quick, Rhodey! Find the certificate so I can trap him properly!’

Rhodey angled his head towards the mob around Thor and led Steve and Tony over to a glossy wooden architect’s desk. Taking up the fountain pen resting on the state-issued certificate, Tony scrawled his name along the line. Steve followed suit, beaming like an advertisement for happiness.

‘ _Now_ it’s official,’ Tony said, sliding his hands into Steve’s hair and leaning in for a kiss.

‘Well,’ Steve put his hands on Tony’s hips. ‘Once it’s witnessed, anyway.’

With a smirk, Rhodey elbowed them to one side and did the honours.

‘All the official shit done to your satisfaction, Captain?’ Tony raised an eyebrow.

Steve smiled down at him, thumbs rubbing delightful circles on Tony’s waist. ‘You know what? I think it is.’

‘OK!’ Rhodey raised his voice to full military bellow, overpowering all conversation in the room. ’ _ **Let’s get this party started!**_ ’

Tony burst into laughter, too delighted by everything to coordinate any sort of response. 

 

Life, it turned out, could be _very_ good indeed.


End file.
